Mass Effect 2: Flashbacks
by HotMezoti
Summary: SR2, about Jane Shepard and Garrus. Shepard's flashbacks to the SR1 tell the story of their relationship with complications from the 2 years apart. What do you do when you're back, but now a distant memory to those you love? Lemony content with all characters owned by Bioware. Some dialog straight from bioware for authenticity.
1. Chapter 1

Shepard sat on the edge of her bed, staring at her fish tank. How long she'd been doing that, she wasn't sure. It had been a little over a week since she'd been back on the SR2, and it was still disorienting. She had trouble sleeping, and passed the time thinking back over their mission to get Saren. For everyone else, that was years ago, but for her it had only been a month. She got up and winced. The implants pulled at her skin sometimes. Especially when she sat for a while then got up. She shook out her arms and rubbed them. That helped a bit. Dr. Chakwas said she would get used to it over time, the neural impulses would calibrate and settle in. She just wished she could settle in.

She got a drink of water and looked at her computer. I was a little after 1am. They were heading back to Omega for another mission, another dossier. Seeing Tali on Freedom's Progress had been comforting, then not. She was a friend, a familiar face, but she'd moved on, had her own mission to complete. Shepard realized she had to forge ahead without the familiarity of the Alliance and her loyal crew. Cerberus was not what she had in mind as an ally, but here she was wearing their uniform. She shook her head, it was like waking up in an alternate reality.

Ultimately she was determined to ride this wave and be successful regardless. That was her character, she knew she couldn't allow herself anything less than full commitment. She let out a huff, that's probably why the Illusive man brought her back. What was it Lawson had said? He wanted her - Shepard.

"That's what I get for being a living legend," she said sarcastically.

She lay back down on her bed and watched the overhead stars fly past. Her thoughts went back to Ashley, and, as always, Garrus.

She smiled, remembering when she tried to get Garrus' attention by enticing him to spar with her.

 _"_ _Hey, got a minute?" she leaned against the Mako._

 _"_ _Trying to finish repairs from the last mission," he looked up at her, "Think you could try not to bend the axels on every planet?"_

 _She pouted and put her hand on her hip, trying to get him to notice her in her workout shorts and tank top. "It's not that bad. That time Wrex drove it it caught on fire."_

 _"_ _You can't compare your driving skills to a Krogan and feel superior, Jane."_

 _She smiled, she loved it when he used her first name. He was the only crew member who did that. "I have full faith in your ability to fix it. I was hoping, however, you might have a little time to spar with me. Like we talked about the other day?" she stepped closer and put her hand on his arm, "You can put this off for a little while, can't you?"_

 _He shook his head, unmoved. "I've got too much to do. Why don't you ask Kaidan?"_

 _She grunted in disgust, "No way I want his hands all over me," she looked up, "I'll ask Ash." She walked past him and made her way over to where Ashley was cleaning the guns._

 _Ashley quickly changed into workout clothes and joined Shepard in the cargo bay where they'd set up a make-shift gym. She was proficient in Judo, and Shepard remembered some from when she went through Academy training._

 _They walked around and started grappling. Ashley was good, that was for sure. Shepard struggled at the start, but it started coming back to her, and Ash gave her pointers. Inevitably they ended up with an audience, and she was pleased to see Garrus pausing at his console to watch them as well. Shepard was distracted, trying to show off for Garrus, and Ashley got the better of her more than once. She heard his voice behind her._

 _"_ _That's very similar to Turian martial arts, but with a different focus. Think you could show me a few moves?"_

 _As Shepard started to speak, Ashley said, "Sure, I've got time."_

 _Shepard stopped her, "I'll show you, I'll do it." And she felt a blush come over her cheeks as Ashley looked at her strangely. The rest of the crew was staring as well. She had sounded a little screechy. She cleared her throat, "I have more experience sparring with Turians." It was a total bluff, but she had to say something to save face._

 _Ashley shrugged her shoulders, "Whatever. I'm going to hit the showers. Enjoyed the workout skipper," she shook Shepard's hand._

 _Shepard bit her lip. She didn't want Ashley getting physical with Garrus in any way. If that was going to happen at all, she wanted it to be her._

 _"_ _Commander, think you could come up to the cockpit for a minute? I need your input." Joker's voice came over the comm._

 _"_ _Sure, I'll be right there." She put her omni-tool away and patted Garrus on the shoulder. "I'll have to take a rain check on that, Garrus." He nodded and she made her way up to see Joker._

 _"_ _So, what's going on?" she leaned over and looked at his console._

 _"_ _Nothing. Just tried to save you from further embarrassment. Although, I did consider watching you and Ashley duke it out over Garrus." He continued typing, but let a smirk form on his lips._

 _Shepard hung her head and sat in the empty seat next to him. "Shit, you saw that did you?"_

 _"_ _Yea, I watch the vidfeed, and saw you guys sparring. Don't want her touching him, do you?"_

 _"_ _Jesus christ, Joker, what do you have a chip in my brain as well?"_

 _"_ _Geez, no thanks. Just a keen observer. You're welcome, by the way, for saving you from whatever bullshit story you were trying to tell."_

 _She rubbed her hands over her eyes, "I know, I know. I'm that obvious, am I?"_

 _"_ _I haven't heard anyone else on the crew mention it. She's not interested in him, though. She's more likely to be interested in you."_

 _"_ _Really? I hadn't considered that. I am totally blind when it comes to stuff like that."_

 _He leaned over, "You do at least know that Kaidan is hopelessly in love with you."_

 _"_ _Oh, yeah. I think everyone on the ship knows that." She laughed, "Sounds like a vid series. Everyone in love with someone else on a mission to save the galaxy from a rogue Spectre."_

 _He chuckled, "Yeah, it is pretty entertaining."_

Joker – at least he was still on the ship, still there for her. His was a comforting presence. Very deliberate by the Illusive man, but appreciated nonetheless. She finally drifted off to sleep.

She woke up with a start, yelling out Garrus' name. She rubbed her face and realized his presence in bed with her, his warm chest, hugging her closely had been a dream. She wished she didn't dream of him at all, it was maddening. Not knowing where he was, if he was dead or alive tortured her every day. She knew it was distracting her from the mission, but she had to keep trying. She researched herself and made contact through sources to the Shadow broker, attempting to find him, any information, anything, but so far she was coming up empty.

"At least I haven't heard that he's dead." She shuddered, wondering how he had felt thinking she was dead for the last two years. She went to her bathroom and used the toilet, then got in the shower. She methodically went through her day this way, keeping her thoughts to herself, working diligently and robotically. It was the only way she could get through without breaking down. After initially talking to Dr. Chakwas, she'd stayed away. Her motherly presence, her questioning had peeled too many emotional layers away that Shepard wasn't prepared to deal with.

As the water pelted down on her, she thought back to Ash. After she'd made the decision on Virmire to leave her to let Kaidan arm and protect the bomb, she'd been gutted. "If anybody should have been brought back to life, it was her," she lamented.

 _"_ _You can't beat yourself up for it, Jane." Garrus leaned in her doorway. "You made the right decision."_

 _Shepard stood in her room pacing. Her eyes were red and puffy and her cheeks tear-stained. She'd been able to hold it together in front of the crew, but back in her quarters she let her emotions out. "I – " she started, but dissolved in sobs._

 _Garrus closed the door to her quarters and put his hands on her shoulders, "You can't, don't go there. We'll miss her, definitely, but there was no choice, and she even knew that."_

 _She looked up at him, "I think that's what's hardest of all, she forgave me before she died," she shook her head, "It's so senseless."_

 _He gripped her shoulders tightly, "Yes, it is, and just like you told Liara, the only one to blame is Saren. You made the best decision for the mission, for the galaxy. If she'd been arming the bomb, Kaidan would have been the one who died today."_

 _She wiped her face and took a deep breath. "I know."_

 _He let go of his tight grip and held onto her arms, "Have a seat, I'll get you something to drink and we'll talk about it some more."_

 _They sat on her bed and discussed it for a while, Shepard finally coming to a level of acceptance with his help and insight. She was mentally and emotionally exhausted and fell asleep on his shoulder. She woke up to him gently stroking her hair, and she smiled and reached over and hugged him tightly, putting her leg over his. She moaned and pulled on shoulder, placing a light kiss on his chest._

 _"_ _You get very cuddly when you're sleepy." He said._

 _Her eyes completely opened with a start and she realized this wasn't another one of her dreams about him, he was actually there and she was grinding her crotch on his hip and kissing him._

 _Fuck! She thought. "Yeah, I'm pretty tired. Thanks for being here for me Garrus, you're a good friend." She pulled back a little._

 _He yawned, "Now that you're awake, I think I'll go back down to my cot in cargo bay." He got up and turned to look at her, "Get some sleep Jane. We've got a lot left to do, and the crew needs you. I need you."_

She felt hot tears fall in the shower, and struggled to stop their flow. Their time together on the SR1 had been so short. If only she'd known.


	2. Chapter 2

She pulled herself together and got dressed and downstairs to meet with Miranda as she had started doing every morning to plan the day out.

"The next mission is Archangel. I recommend you meet with Aria to get more information on his location. You read the dossier?"

"Hm, what? Oh, yes I read it."

Miranda eyed her critically, but continued. "He's a mercenary commander who has been taking out multiple gang leaders. He's noted for his strategic brilliance on small teams. Sounds like he'll be a real asset to the crew and the mission," she paused and looked up, "Are you okay Commander?"

"Yes, why?" she leaned forward, her elbows on her knees.

"You seem distracted, unhappy." She looked at her with concern.

"I'm fine. It's just disorienting you know, coming out of a coma and 2 years have gone by."

"Yes, I hadn't considered that. We also had to bring you out of stasis sooner than we'd wanted to. I've discussed it with Dr. Chakwas. There are some ill effects of that, unfortunately."

Shepard nodded, "But nothing too serious."

"Remember, you are in command. You set the pace. As we go along, you, the crew will definitely need shore leave, a breather so the stress of the mission doesn't take things to a breaking point. There needs to be a balance."

"I know. I'll work on that." She smiled.

"Don't get me wrong, I'm not doubting you, it's just-" Miranda stood up and leaned against her desk, "I've worked on bringing you back for the past two years. I suppose I'm still looking out for your health. I don't mean to be overprotective." She ran her gloved hand through her dark, perfectly coiffed hair.

"Look, it's okay. I get it, and I appreciate your honesty and concern."

Miranda looked relieved and turned back to sit at her desk. "Do you have any questions about the mission today? We can put it off if you need to."

Shepard shook her head, "I'm up for it. I may be emotionally rattled, but physically I'm fine and ready to go. You coming today?"

Miranda shook her head no, "I've got too much work to do here. It'll have to be Jacob and Zaheed."

"Okay. I'm going to get something to eat. We should be there soon."

"Within an hour."

Shepard left and went to the kitchen, taking the plate the cook gave her. As she sat and ate she made a face thinking about Jacob being on the mission. He'd already made a few suggestive comments to her. Nothing too far out of line, but enough to show he was interested in her. "I've only been on the ship a week, and already he's putting on the moves." She suddenly realized that being a part of the Lazarus project he'd probably been watching her for months, years. Maybe even seen her naked. She shivered in disgust. She could tell he was a player, and she didn't find his showboating charming and made it known to him she thought so. She groaned thinking about another mission with his lame comments. Hopefully as she attained more crew members she wouldn't have to take him out with her again. He could stay and polish the guns and keep his smarmy comments to himself.

Looking up towards the kitchen she remembered back to how Kaidan had lingered outside her quarters, trying to flirt with her and get her attention. She'd been charmed initially. He was good-looking, but she'd focused her efforts on Garrus. Kaidan was not deterred, and the night before they went to Ilos, he'd made that all too clear.

 _"_ _Enter," Shepard called out to the ping at the door._

 _Kaidan came in looking worried. "I'm behind you Shepard, but what if this all goes south? We've mutinied, stolen an Alliance warship-."_

 _She stood up and walked over to him. "Not the best example for the Alliance, but we're doing the right thing. I'll save the Council's sorry assess even if they don't want me doing it." She cocked her head to look at him. "What's really bothering you Kaidan?"_

 _He paced nervously. "We've been through so much, accomplished so much. I guess I'm worried."_

 _She smirked, "Worried?" she hadn't pegged him for that much of a pussy._

 _"_ _Not like that," he quickly corrected her, "Just, worried about you."_

 _She disliked that more. "What are you trying to say? You don't think I can do it?"_

 _"_ _No, you're important to me and that makes the stakes higher."_

 _She frowned and folded her arms in front of her. Whatever point he was trying to make, he was only succeeding in pissing her off._

 _Frustrated, he walked over to her and looked down, shaking his head. He put his hands on her shoulders and got closer, "Jane, I care for you so much, if anything happens to you. Nothing's ever a guarantee. All we might have is tonight." He reached up and caressed her cheek._

 _Shocked, she'd smacked his hand away. "Hey, you've got the wrong idea."_

 _He stood in front of her stunned._

 _"_ _I know this is a tense time, but I'm not that desperate." Her surprise and disappointment in his actions made her blunt._

 _Kaidan turned beet red with hurt that was quickly turning to anger. "But, all those times we talked, you acted like you were interested in me."_

 _She shook her head vigorously, "No, no, it wasn't like that. I'm always interested in getting to know my crew, but you took it the wrong way."_

 _Suddenly her door opened and Garrus came in. He stopped short when he saw the scene playing out in front of him. Their tense body language, the look on their faces._

 _"_ _Am I interrupting?" he asked, starting to turn away._

 _"_ _No, Kaidan was just leaving." She said curtly, glaring at him._

 _Kaidan clenched his jaw and matched her unflinching gaze. "Sorry, Commander." He said and saluted her. He quickly left. Garrus turned back to look at her._

 _"_ _What was that all about?"_

 _She plopped down on the edge of her bed and put her hands over her eyes. "He was making a pass at me, if you can believe it."_

 _"_ _Indeed," he said._

 _She looked up at him, "Is that all you can say?" she laughed._

 _"_ _I must say I'm surprised. You're way out of his league."_

 _"_ _Mm, a compliment. I appreciate that. And, I agree. He's not my type."_

 _"_ _What is your type?" Garrus reached his hand out for her._

 _She took it and stood up, "I don't have a type, but he's definitely not it."_

 _Garrus laughed. He lightly rubbed her hand that was still in his and got serious. "We can do this tomorrow, Jane. We've got him on the run. We'll be able to finish this and make the council eat their words."_

 _She smiled, he got her. She thought about how much she loved him, how she was glad to be going through this with him. She reached up for his face, but instantly retracted it, forgetting herself temporarily. She backed away and cleared her throat, "I've got to get some sleep, and so do you. I need my best sniper in peak condition."_

 _He nodded, "Aye, aye ma'am." He went to the door as she turned around and went to her closet to change. Suddenly she felt his hand on her shoulder and he turned her around._

 _"_ _Garrus?" she looked up at him._

 _He leaned down and kissed her. She relaxed into it, unbelieving it was happening. He suddenly pushed her back by his shoulders, looked at her shocked face for a moment, then turned and left._

"Commander? Commander?"

She suddenly was aware of a hand waving in front of her face. She jumped back. "What the hell is your problem?"

Jacob's eyes widened. "Sorry, I couldn't get your attention."

"Well that's not the way to do it." She said, irritated. Damn he was rude. "What do you want?"

"I just wanted to know what time to meet you at the docking bay for the mission." He stood with his arms folded in front of him.

She squinted up at him. This is what was so pressing? She wasn't going to make the same mistake she'd made with Kaidan. He wouldn't confuse her kindness as romantic interest.

"09:00 hours. And Officer Taylor?"

"Yes?"

"Don't ever fucking do that to me again. I'm your Commanding officer, not a child. You got me?"

He stiffened, "Yes ma'am."

She nodded, "Dismissed."

He saluted and left.

She shook her head and finished the cold eggs the cook had made. She bitterly stabbed them with her fork. That memory of Garrus wasn't one she wanted to be interrupted by an ass who thought women's sole purpose was to stroke his ego.

"Prick." She said.


	3. Chapter 3

Two hours later she was on Omega, posing as a merc for hire to go after Archangel. Shepard marched up to the Batarian.

He looked up from his console at her, "Next! Well, aren't you sweet. You're in the wrong place honey. Strippers' quarters are that way."

She heard Jacob snicker behind her. He's going to pay for that, she narrowed her eyes.

Pulling out her gun, she snarled at the batarian, "Show me yours tough guy, I bet mine's bigger."

He raised his eyebrows. "Impressive. So you're here to fight then?"

They took the cab over to Archangel's base. On the way she thought about what they might be facing. Besides the information on the dossier, Aria had told her she was a Turian. She had mixed feelings about having a Turian on board. It would be like having a ghost of Garrus there. There wasn't much choice, with his resume he was a good recruit. Anyone who could piss off and take on 3 gangs was someone they wanted on their side.

Fighting their way through the base, she caught a glimpse of him on the balcony overhead. "Alright, let's take these guys out, but be careful, we don't want Archangel taking us out."

Upstairs she called out, "Archangel?"

Silencing her, he took out a pesky merc hiding behind a post. He sat on the railing and slowly took off his helmet.

She thought she was going to pass out.

"Shepard. I thought you were dead."

"Garrus!" she screamed out, and ran up to him, "I can't believe it's you, I've been looking for you, what are you doing here?"

"A little target practice."

She went up and hugged him, but he was distant. She looked up at him, "It's a long story, but I've been out for a while."

He looked at her blearily, trying to focus. "I – I don't know how long I've been here. I thought you were dead. Are you dead?"

"Shit, he's hyped up on stims." Zaheed said.

She nodded, "Let's get him out of here."

They fought more waves of mercs. Shepard was impressed that as disoriented and exhausted as he was, his shots never wavered. "I should have known," she thought to herself, "His dossier, expert sniper, brilliant strategist." She looked over at him and grinned. She felt her spirits lift.

She left Zaheed with him, and took off with Jacob to finish taking out the blood pack and blue suns. "That Turian means more to me than life itself. Don't screw up this mission," she pointed at him. Jacob nodded and kept his mouth shut for once. They closed down the base and made their way back. Everything was going to plan, Shepard contacted Joker to bring the shuttle around when suddenly the gunship she thought she'd taken out appeared.

"Fuck!" she sat behind a couch, waiting for the barrage of bullets to pause for a reload. A sudden loud noise and flash caught her attention, and she looked over to see a missile hit Garrus in the face.

"Garrus!" she screamed. She crawled over to him, sick at the sight of blue blood gushing out of his neck. Before she could help him, they had to get rid of the gunship. Seconds felt like hours until Zaheed targeted the engine and the gunship fell in a fireball. She turned her attention back to Garrus, who was not moving. It was terrifying. "Garrus," she said softly, touching his arm.

He gasped and gripped his gun. "Garrus!" she brought up her omni-tool, "Joker, we need that shuttle stat – have Dr. Chakwas aboard, we've got Garrus and he's injured, he's losing blood fast!" She turned him over and used her medigel to try to patch him up.

"We'd better hurry, he looks bad." Jacob said.

She told Garrus, "Just hold on," She shot a look at Jacob, "Get me more medigel now, asshole, and shut the fuck up with your medical evaluations!"

A few hours later, she was in medbay sitting by Garrus' bed, holding his hand. The bandages covered his face, and he was sleeping peacefully. Dr. Chakwas was nearby, monitoring his vital signs.

It had been close, too close. She couldn't believe she found him again. She lightly massaged his hand with her small pink fingers.

 _"_ _How's that shoulder healing, Jane?"_

 _She rotated it back and forth, "Oh, it's getting there."_

 _"_ _I could help you work it out." Garrus reached out for her._

 _She smiled, "That would be nice."_

 _Dr. Chakwas gave her a bottle, "This is a lower dose of the medication. Take twice a day. And, do those exercises I sent you. We want to avoid further surgery."_

 _"_ _I agree," Garrus looked at her with concern._

 _Shepard jumped off the table, "I'll try doctor." She took Garrus' arm and they left medbay._

 _"_ _Want to get something to eat?" he pointed to the mess hall._

 _"_ _I suppose." She leaned against him. They'd been flirting shamelessly since his impromptu kiss in her quarters. They were still docked at the Citadel making repairs, waiting for their next assignment._

A sudden movement caught her eye. Garrus was stirring. She stood up and looked down at him as Dr. Chakwas spoke up, "He's fine. It's going to take a while before he comes out from the anesthesia."

She nodded and sat back down. She moved up closer and held onto his arm with her hands, leaning her head on his chest.

 _"_ _This is bullshit, we all know that. I don't have a choice," her voice faltered and she looked down._

 _"_ _We know that Shepard. You have your mission, and we have ours." Wrex came up and grabbed her hand, shaking it vigorously. "It's been an honor. You contact me if you need me, got it?"_

 _She nodded. She looked at Tali, standing with her makeshift duffle bag on the dock outside the Normandy, "I can't wait to get back to the Flotilla. You've made my pilgrimage a success. That data will be invaluable, Shepard." She gave her a tight hug. "I'll miss you."_

 _"_ _I'll miss you too, Tali. Good luck."_

 _Liara was without words as she hugged Shepard and let silent tears fall down her face._

 _"_ _It's not that bad, Liara." Shepard couldn't help but laugh a little._

 _"_ _Look who's talking." Liara said accusingly pointing at Shepard's tear-stained face. They both laughed with sadness._

 _"_ _I'll keep in touch, Shepard." Liara walked back towards the elevators as Garrus walked past and up to her._

 _It had been so sudden, orders from the Alliance for the Aliens to leave the ship within an hour so they could resume their mission to take out the remaining pockets of geth. She didn't see what the big hurry was, but now that she was healed, she couldn't put Hackett off._

 _She tried to smile at Garrus as he briskly walked up to her. Like he had that night, he took her by the shoulders, but this time he leaned his head down and touched his forehead to hers. She felt a rush of adrenaline and pleasure shoot through her. She held onto his hands as he held her face in his. He pulled back and she looked up at him._

 _"_ _I can't without you, I-"_

 _He shook his head, "Message me every day. I'll meet you whenever you have shore leave, wherever you are. This is just the beginning for us."_

 _She nodded and reluctantly let go and watched as he walked towards the elevator. It was a few days later that she found out that was a Turian kiss. He'd been true to his word, and messaged her at least once a day, more than that usually. A few times they'd been able to use vidfeed, and spent hours talking. He was joining up with Spectre training, and they were both excited about the possibilities. He'd been the first to say "I love you," and she'd quickly returned it. Everything was falling into place until the Collector attack._

She shook herself out of her thoughts. The memory of falling into space suffocating while she frantically tried to stop the air leaking out was not one she wanted to relive. She fell asleep, her head resting on his arm.

Beeping noises woke her up, and she looked around her, confused, thinking she was back on the Cerberus base, hooked up to machines. She saw Garrus and panicked, "Dr. Chakwas!"

She was on the other side of the table, "Nothing to worry about, Shepard, he's awake. I'm just removing the IV."

Relieved, she looked down at him. "Garrus?"

His eyes fluttered open. He attempted to sit up, then moaning, lay back down, holding his hand to his head. "Oh, I feel like I've been run over by the Mako." He looked over at Shepard.

"Jane, what are you doing here?"

She leaned over, taking his hand, "I was in a coma for two years. I've been trying to find you since I was brought back. We're on a rebuilt Normandy." She grinned, she couldn't believe it.

"Where's Tali?"

"I saw her on Freedom's progress. She's back on the Flotilla on a mission. I don't know about Wrex or Liara. Joker's here, though."

"Ugh, what happened?"

"Well Archangel, you tried to stop a missile with your face. Dr. Chakwas had to perform surgery on you."

"You'll have full functionality eventually. The bandages have to stay on for a while, but I'll be able to remove them in a few weeks. You're good to go as soon as you can stand and walk safely." Dr. Chakwas turned off the monitoring equipment. "Good to have you back, Garrus."

Shepard smiled at him, "I'll help you." She reached out her hand. He took it and sat up on the side of the bed.

"A little dizzy, but I'll be okay." He looked over at her, "Where's Tali?"

Puzzled, she said, "I told you, on the Flotilla. I saw her last week on Freedom's progress. She was with another group of Quarians trying to help rescue one of them who was on his pilgrimage," she shook her head, "I don't know exactly where she is now. I asked her to join me on the ship, but she said she had a mission, and she couldn't. That's all I know."

He stood up and let go of her hand. "I have to find her."

Confused, she asked, "Why?"

He looked at her, "Because she's my girlfriend. I haven't been able to contact her in a few weeks. She'll be worried about me."


	4. Chapter 4

Shepard blinked, "What?"

"I'll talk to Joker and figure it out," he turned his attention to Dr. Chakwas and asked her more questions about his condition.

Shepard looked down at the ground, trying to process what he'd just told her. Girlfriend? How is that possible? Tali? She never said anything on Freedom's Progress, of course, there wasn't a lot of time to talk.

Garrus turned towards the door and motioned to Shepard, "Why don't we go out in the mess hall and you can update me on how you've come back from the dead where everyone here is wearing a Cerberus uniform."

Shepard nodded and they left medbay and sat at a table in the mess hall. She sat across him and tried to collect her thoughts enough to go over the events of the past few weeks. In turn he told her about leaving the Spectres, going to Omega and putting together a team to fight the gangs. She listened intently, but afraid to ask him anything more about Tali. Maybe he was just kidding or something? Maybe he was still coming out of the anesthesia.

He took a deep breath and leaned away from the table. "Well, I do need to check out your armory bay and re-calibrate your guns, I'm sure."

She smiled, "It's been an awfully lonely Normandy without you, Garrus."

He put his hand over hers briefly, "I'm sure. It's good to be back, good to have you back, Jane." He looked at her pointedly. "Without you, it's been rough." He stood up, "First though, I'm going to go find Joker. He's in the cockpit?"

She nodded.

"I figured. I'm going to see if he can help me contact Tali," he rubbed his hand over his fringe, "I want to make sure she's okay and let her know how to get in touch with me. See you later, Shepard."

She nodded again and looked down at the table. She rubbed a small spot on the table top with her fingernail and felt the impact of his words wash over her. Her face started feeling flush, stinging. She stood up abruptly and went up to her quarters. In the elevator, she turned around and leant her forehead against the cool wall.

"So it's true." She felt a crushing heaviness on her chest as the doors opened and she slowly walked through to her quarters. Standing at the top of her stairs, she chuckled bitterly as she thought about how she'd imagined him moving into her quarters, the continuation of their romance. Seemed like he didn't even remember anything about it. They'd never actually gone out on a date or been intimate, but they had started a relationship. She slammed her fist down on her desk. "Dammit!" It was another reminder of how much she'd lost being gone for two years. She was having trouble catching her breath, and stood with her hands on her hips trying to get a grip. She felt like she was drowning, like she had when she was pummeling down to the planet after being spaced from the SR1.

"Oh my god," she sat on the floor and put her face in her hands. She ran through her memories of times with Tali and Garrus on the SR1. There was never any inclination of anything between them. She huffed, "There probably wasn't, until I was gone. Fuck." She was gone, then forgotten. She couldn't really expect him to pine for her forever. Who could have foreseen her not actually being dead? Cerberus certainly didn't put out a news release. She sat with her arms propped up on her knees, her hair disheveled and hanging around her face. Hot tears started to fall and she watched as they landed in little wet circles on the shiny metal floor. She let out a deep breath and looked up, wiping off her face. She realized she'd been in medbay with Garrus since the mission ended and hadn't even changed out of her under armor. Pushing up from the floor, she stood up and pulled the zipper down, getting into her shower.

 _"_ _Sleeping any better now, Tali?" Shepard asked her._

 _"_ _I'm getting more used to it, but it's still difficult. I've never been away from the Flotilla."_

 _Garrus ate his meal and looked over at her, "Seems like it's a pretty protective environment."_

 _"_ _It has to be. Outside of our envirosuits, we're completely vulnerable to diseases. We have to be very careful."_

 _Garrus looked at her, "No, I mean you guys don't have much interaction with the world, with other species. It's very insular. Doesn't give you much perspective." He continued to eat his meal._

 _"_ _That's what the pilgrimage is for, to see the galaxy, bring something back of importance."_

 _Garrus gave Shepard a look and shook his head. They chatted for a while, then after Tali left, he said, "I don't think she got what I was trying to say. Sweet girl, but pretty naive."_

"I guess he changed his opinion." Shepard let the water run down her face and finished her shower. Studying her reflection, she wondered what he saw when he looked at her now. Did she look that much different? Didn't seem like he was interested in looking at her at all. The weight of her disappointment was crushing.

She was back in Commander mode, dressed and answering messages, planning the next mission with Miranda, picking up a convict from a prison ship. She knew she'd be taking Garrus with her on every mission, just like before. His skills couldn't be matched, and she wouldn't let her emotional pain cloud her judgement. Her hunger finally caught up to her, and she went down to the mess hall and got a quick bite. It was largely empty, and she finished quickly.

She brought up her omni-tool, "EDI, where is Garrus?"

"Officer Vakarian is in the forward armory bay."

She looked at the door at the end of the walkway past the kitchen. She couldn't bring herself to go in there. She knew she'd get emotional, and she was determined not to. She threw her plate in the chute and made her way up to the cockpit.

"Shepard, what's up? Nice to have Garrus back on board, huh?" he typed away at his console.

She sat wearily down on the railing next to him. "Why didn't you tell me, Joker?"

"Tell you what?"

She looked at him directly, "About Garrus and Tali."

"Oh, that. I had kind of forgotten about that, to tell you the truth. He came up here a little while ago asking me to track her down so he could set up the vidfeed comm system."

She put her hand over her eyes. She remembered when they used to do that together. It was too much, and she leaned over, clearing her throat. She tried to say something, but couldn't.

Joker kept typing, "I know you guys were a bit of an item before the collector ship took us down, I didn't think it was that serious."

In an almost whisper she said, "It was."

Her demeanor finally caught his attention and he stopped and turned to her with concern, "Shepard, I'm sorry. I didn't know."

She nodded and was frustrated with tears welling up in her eyes. "We talked every day. We were making plans. He told me he loved me." She wiped her eyes and attempted to collect herself, "I'm sorry for dumping on you. You're the only one here who knows me from before."

Joker patted her shoulder awkwardly, "It's okay, you can talk to me about it." He leaned over and pushed a few buttons turning the mics in the cockpit off.

"So, how did they end up together? He didn't have that high of an opinion of her before."

"You sure you want to know?"

"Please tell me. I don't want to have to ask him. Did my death bring them together or something?"

Joker rubbed the back of his neck. He would never get over feeling responsible for her death. If he hadn't stalled trying to save the Normandy-

"Well?" she looked at him expectantly.

He sighed, "He was really tore up when you were spaced. We all were. We came together at your funeral service – you sure you want me to tell you all this?"

She nodded.

Joker continued, "Tali was on the Citadel and she didn't have a place to stay, so Garrus had her set up to stay with his sister, Solana. I suppose they got to know each other that way. The next year when we came back together for an honor ceremony on Terra Nova for you, they were a couple. I really don't know much more than that."

"Yeah, I understand."

"I don't know what to say, you should maybe talk to Dr. Chakwas about it, she's better at this kind of stuff than I am."

"No, I'd rather hear your blunt opinions than her sympathetic consoling. That would make me cry a lot more." Dr. Chakwas reminded her so much of her mother that she'd lost on Mindoir.

"Well, blunt opinions I have in large supply. I am sorry, though. It must be hard for you."

"I've lost so much. Finding him on Omega was a miracle. I just have to be happy for them, and move on. They've moved on. I have to accept it for what it is. He'll always be my best friend, and I have to be satisfied with that. I mean really, there's nothing else I can do, right?"

Joker nodded. "They do seem pretty happy together, I mean – what I mean is, it's not like you have to watch him with some bitch who's no good for him."

"Yeah," she chuckled, "That's true, I suppose. I loved Tali like a sister. She's a great person." She saw Joker's pained expression.

"You know what? Who's to say this wouldn't have happened anyway? Even if I'd been around, he might have still ended up with Tali." She stood up, "Thanks for being honest with me."

"You can always count on that, Shepard."

She turned and walked towards the CIC taking deep breaths to calm herself. She knew she had to stuff it all down if she were going to survive and focus on the mission. Garrus was alive and happy and still best friends with her, and she would have to make that enough. She would have to.


	5. Chapter 5

The next day they were on Purgatory. "Great name, that's where I feel like I've ended up," she said to herself bitterly. She thought she'd given herself enough of a pep talk about seeing the bigger picture, wishing the best for Garrus and Tali, but that next morning when she met him at the docking door to get off the ship she'd felt her heart leap in her chest and felt a crushing despair at the loss of their relationship. She could hardly look him in the eye. Everything about him was a wonderful, comforting memory that was now bittersweet. His mannerisms, his banter, even his smell. She ached to have his arms around her, but he was no longer hers. She debated whether it had been better before she found him on Omega. She preferred living in her fantasy and memories.

They fought their way through the prison base, procuring Jack and getting back on the ship. He was definitely in peak fighting form, if anything, his sniping skills had improved since they fought Saren. She walked with Jack to Miranda's office for a debrief, and on the way Garrus messaged her about meeting with him later. Shepard left Miranda's office rolling her eyes, "Great, now I've got to referee between those two." She brightened when she thought about Garrus' request to meet with her, and half an hour later, freshly showered and dressed, she made her way to his quarters.

"Shepard, just doing some calibrations. Great mission today, just like old times, huh?"

She nodded and leaned on the railing next to his console. "Couldn't do it without you, Garrus, just like before."

He nodded, "I wanted to tell you about some ideas I've got for upgrading the guns."

They discussed the upgrades for a while, the mission that day, and the plans for the next day, and that was it. She left, disappointed again. A part of her was hoping he would discuss it with her, bring up their relationship, how he'd turned to Tali after her death, but he didn't. She took a deep breath and headed towards the kitchen.

The next weeks went on in this manner. They fell back into their former friendship, but with the glaring omission of their romance. Well, at least that's how it felt to her. He seemed to be content with being back on the Normandy and would bring Tali up in conversation casually every so often. He was able to contact her the first week, they talked a few times, at least that's what Shepard overheard him say in the mess hall. She didn't want to ask him about it or talk about it. He had said something about Tali going out on a mission, that she would be out of contact for a while. He'd seemed so proud of her, and Shepard felt sick in the pit of her stomach. She couldn't help it, and she didn't care. She was professional, no one knew about her feelings except Joker. Alone in her quarters, she indulged herself in her private misery. The missions were hard and taxing. The changes she felt from being rebuilt and out of commission for two years were difficult enough without the added loss of her boyfriend.

An emergency mission to Horizon made her nervous for the first time with the Illusive man's reveal that Kaidan Alenko was on the planet. On the shuttle down she was quiet, wondering if she would run into him, what he would have to say. Garrus noticed her demeanor and questioned her about it, but she put on a confident smile and denied any qualms. The planet was a horror show, collectors everywhere with pods for frozen humans. What did it all mean? It was mind-boggling. As the large collector base took off, all thoughts of Kaidan were gone until she suddenly heard his voice and saw him walk around the corner.

"Shepard." He stared at her for a moment, then pulled her into an embrace as Garrus and Jack looked on.

She was speechless, she did not expect he'd survived.

"Kaidan, how are you?"

He looked at her puzzled, "You're gone for 2 years, everyone thinks you're dead, and you show up and ask how I've been?"

She looked down, this was not a good start. Yes, she'd rejected him the night he made a pass at her, but they'd made peace after that, working together to continue the mission to take out geth.

"I was in a coma. I've only been conscious for a month. I asked Anderson about you, but he stone-walled me. I'm here investigating the collector attacks on humans."

Kaidan reached out and held her hands in his briefly. "I can't believe you're actually alive, that you're here. You don't know how much I missed you." He looked intently at her.

She swallowed hard. This was the reaction she'd wanted from Garrus. Having it from Kaidan felt like an assault to her emotions. She shook her head, "It's hard for me to believe too."

Kaidan squinted his eyes, pointing at the Cerberus patch on her armor, "Wait a minute, so the rumors were true?"

"Rumors?" Garrus asked.

"You're working for them, you're with Cerberus now." He looked at her angrily and started backing away.

"I'm working with them, not for them." She started.

"What's the difference? How could you? Don't you remember Admiral Kahoku and all those sick experiments they were doing?" he looked past her, "And Garrus too?"

Garrus folded his arms, "You're letting your emotions cloud your judgement, Alenko."

Shepard got angry, "You know me Kaidan, I'm only doing this for the right reasons. Do you see the Council out here helping, trying to figure out what's going on? This isn't the only attack, and it's escalating. We're out here trying to investigate, trying to put a stop to it. How many were on that ship? What about the next time, the next attack? How many more will we lose?"

Kaidan pointed at her accusingly, "You're a traitor, an embarrassment to the Alliance," he huffed, "Cerberus is controlling you and you don't even know it. Maybe you're not even the real Shepard, maybe you're a clone, their puppet."

She gasped. If he'd wanted revenge, he'd been successful. His words cut her to the bone, exposing her deepest fears and insecurities about herself. Stunned into silence, she watched frozen as he turned away and spat out, "I know where my loyalties lie. Goodbye Shepard, and – be careful."

She felt a hand on her shoulder and looked up to see Garrus looking at her, his jaw set. "Once a selfish prick, always a selfish prick. Don't let him get to you, Jane."

She nodded, numb. "Yeah, yeah." She brought up her omni-tool and summoned Joker to come get them. The trip back she was silent, and after they docked on the ship, she stumbled out of the shuttle as Jack walked past her patting her supportively on the back. Shepard stopped and looked down at the floor. Suddenly Garrus pulled her into a hug, holding her head in his hand. "Please don't let him put those doubts in your head. You're better than him, and he knows it. That's why he attacked you, out of hurt."

"Okay," she said, muffled on his shoulder. His strong grip around her was comforting.

"He's just mad you didn't have sex with him that night. I bet he has a small penis anyway."

She laughed and pulled back to look at Garrus.

"Hey, just sayin."

She laughed again. "Yea, I agree. He does sort of over compensate."

He put his arm around her and walked to the elevator. "We're doing the right thing here. Look at how many of us are here to support you – me, Joker, Dr. Chakwas. You know Wrex would be here if he could, he even told you so."

She nodded.

They ate dinner together in the mess hall, and she started to feel a little better. It was like old times, and she let the strain and hurt of the day melt away.

 _She felt cold, a bright light in her eyes. Struggling to move, but feeling like she was weighted down._

 _"_ _On the monitor, something's wrong."_

 _"_ _She's reacting to outside stimuli. Showing an awareness of her surroundings."_

 _She looks up at the metal above her, struggling to move. She looks around frantically, trying to make sense of what she sees._

 _"_ _Oh my god, Miranda, I think she's waking up." A male voice._

 _Is that a metal arm?_

 _Suddenly a blurry form comes into a view, a woman, she doesn't recognize, then a man, the one who was speaking before. She starts breathing heavily, rapidly. What's going on?_

 _"_ _Dammit Wilson! She's not ready yet. Give her the sedative!"_

 _Sedative? What? NO- She reaches up to stop her, but she grabs her arm. "Shepard, Just be still, try to stay calm."_

 _The male voice, "Heart rate still climbing. Brain activity is off the charts. Stats pushing into the red zone, it's not working!"_

 _The woman goes over to monitors, I'm must be in a medical bay._

 _"_ _Another dose, now!" she's angry with him._

 _A surge of cold in her veins, a muffling of sound and sight. She struggles to stay awake._

 _"_ _Heart rate dropping. Stats falling back into normal range. That was too close, we almost lost her."_

 _The woman's face was close to hers now, looking at her with concern. She tries to reach up and stop her, but her body is no longer responding to her mind._

 _"_ _I told you your estimates were off. Run the numbers again." She snaps._

 _She felt her eyes roll back, her lids too heavy to open. She feels something brush against her and looks up into the eyes of a collector. A lid closed shut and she's trapped in a pod. She screams, but no sound comes out._

Shepard shot up in bed with a loud gasp, looking around her frantically. She was struggling for air. The faint outline of blue light from her fish tank in her room focused her attention. She leaned forward and put her head in her hands, thinking over her dream. But not really a dream, a memory with a nightmare attached. She threw the sheets off and got a drink of water. She recognized Miranda now. She put her hand on her bare chest over her tank top and felt her heart race. Sitting back on the edge of her bed she looked at the clock. 3:18 am. She felt an urge to go talk to Garrus, wake him up and talk to him about it. Then she remembered.

She rubbed her eyes and thought about Kaidan's accusations that day. Was there any truth to them? She didn't like working with Cerberus at all. The Council wouldn't help, what choice did she have? "But does that justify it?"

She looked down her bare arms at the faintly glowing lines from her implants. Miranda had said there wasn't a control chip, but, was that the truth? She certainly didn't feel like herself anymore. She put down the cup and quickly left her quarters, taking the elevator down to medbay. The ship was dark, quiet. The doors opened, and she walked in towards the back where Dr. Chakwas had a small room.

"Shepard?" Dr. Chakwas blinked at the light in the room, getting up quickly and putting on a robe, "What's the matter? What's wrong?" she looked at her with concern.

"Am I a sort of robot, a clone or something? Do I have a control chip in me or something?"

Dr. Chakwas pushed her hair from off her eyes and blinked at Shepard, confused, "No, no, why, did something happen?" she put her hand on her shoulder.

Shepard's eyes were wild, "I want to know, tell me, tell me the truth."

"Okay, okay. Have a seat," she guided her to a medical bed. "I've done thorough scans on you. You are definitely you, not a clone. Trust me, I won't go into the medical terminology and pathology, but I would be able to tell. You have implants to coordinate some of your body systems that your neurons were too damaged to repair. You have a metal joint in your shoulder. You're missing some body parts – one kidney, ovaries damaged and removed. That's the whole list, other than that, there's nothing, nothing at all. I can show you the scans if you'd like."

Shepard nodded, and they spent the next 15 minutes looking over the xrays and CT scans. Shepard finally started calming down, and Dr. Chakwas put her hand on her arm, "What's all this about?"

"I'm sorry to wake you up in the middle of the night."

Dr. Chakwas waved her off, "Don't give it a second thought. That's what I'm here for." She waited patiently.

Shepard took a deep breath and told her about the encounter with Kaidan the day before.

"I guess he confirmed what I was afraid of, what I was afraid to ask you about."

"Well, let me reassure you that he is wrong."

Shepard nodded, "Thanks, doctor."

"Here, just for tonight, take one of these. It'll help you sleep."

She took the pills out of her hand and stood up, "Sorry again to barge in here."

"I'm here for you Commander, whenever you need me."

"I appreciate it." She turned and walked out of med bay, suddenly aware of the cold metal floor on her bare feet. In the elevator she looked down at the two pills in her hand, and threw them down her trash chute as soon as she got back in her quarters. Flopping down on her bed, she watched the stars and planets overhead shoot past her. She felt a little comforted by Dr. Chakwas' assessment. Of course she could be lying too, but it was hard to believe they were all being mind-controlled by Cerberus. If that was his agenda, he would have picked easier people to control, or continue with his own army. He wouldn't be going through all this trouble.

She must have fallen asleep at some point, waking up to Miranda's voice on her omni-tool.

"Commander, letting you know we're putting off today's mission. I think the crew could use a day off."

Shepard pushed the button, "Copy that."

Dr. Chakwas must have talked to her, she thought. Miranda was like a big sister, trying to keep her sane. 


	6. Chapter 6

A few hours later she made her way down to the mess hall. Joker sat with her, messing with her by picking food off her plate when she wasn't looking. As they laughed her omni-tool lit up. A message from Miranda.

"Three more dossiers for the mission, Commander. After yesterday's events on Horizon, we've got to beef up our team. Sending them to your computer."

Shepard nodded in agreement and clicked it off.

"Everything okay?" Joker asked.

"Yes. Three more recruits. I'll check it out upstairs in a minute." She finished eating as Joker kept her laughing with stories about his flight training. She was skeptical how much was true, but then again, she could never really put anything past him.

Waiting at the elevator, she thought about her doubts last night. She was grateful for Dr. Chakwas' friendship and help. She needed to make sure to tell her so. In her quarters, she sat at her desk and used her palm print to bring up her computer screen.

"Hmm. A drell assassin. Sounds intriguing." She scrolled down, "An Asari Justicar – never heard of that. Sounds powerful. And they're both on Illium." She continued to scroll down and pushed back from the desk, staring at the screen.

"Tali." She let out a long breath. She leaned forward and read the brief dossier. She was on a mission to Haestrom in geth space. Shepard rubbed the back of her neck with her hand. "She'll have to be first." She knew if Garrus found out she waited to get Tali on board he would be upset. She made her way back downstairs to Miranda's quarters and discussed the mission with her. It seemed like Tali might be in some danger as well, as communications between her and the Migrant fleet had stopped.

"We'll start the mission first thing in the morning." Shepard drummed her table with her fingertips.

"Sounds good, Commander. I'll notify Joker to set a course. It will take us a while to get there. Commander?"

"Hm, yes?"

"I thought you might have something to add, you looked concerned."

Shepard shook her head, "No, no, just lost in thought."

Miranda nodded succinctly and went back to her computations.

Shepard left and headed to medbay to talk to Dr. Chakwas.

"Thanks again for your help last night."

She laughed, "Stop saying that Commander, it's my job. Just like it's your job to save the galaxy."

Shepard rolled her eyes.

"Feeling better today?" Dr. Chakwas got serious.

"Yes, thank you. A moment of psychological distress."

"Well, you're entitled. Enjoying your day off? Please do something non-work related."

"Um, just preparing for the next mission. We're going to get Tali."

Dr. Chakwas brightened, "Indeed? That's exciting. I'll have to look back at my quarian physiology notes."

"Yea, it'll be great to have her back on board." Shepard tried to sound happy. She turned to go, "See you later, doctor."

Dr. Chakwas was already pulling datapads out from her cabinets, "Yes, and please try to relax tonight, we don't want you getting burned out. Don't make me ground you."

Shepard smirked, "Like you could do that." She heard the doctor's voice calling out behind her,

"Don't try me, Shepard."

She took a deep breath and made her way to the forward battery.

"Shepard, need me for something?" Garrus spun around.

"We're supposed to be taking a day off. What are you doing?"

"This is calming for me. Every mass effect jump we make puts the calibrations off slightly. It's always a challenge to get them back under control. Wait too long and it becomes an issue for engineering. I'll have some time later, if you'd like to watch a vid tonight or something."

She brightened, "That would be great." She walked over and leaned on the railing, looking over at him sideways.

"I have to talk to you about tomorrow's mission. We're heading there now, it'll take a while. We're going into geth space."

"What's the mission?"

"The Illusive man sent me three more dossiers this morning. One of them is Tali." Her gaze flickered up to catch his expression.

He stopped and looked at her directly, "Tali?"

She nodded, "Yup. She's out there on a mission for the Migrant fleet. It's classified. A planet called Haestrom. It'll take us most of tonight to get there."

"I'm going."

She let out a little laugh, "Of course. Besides, you're with me on every mission anyway." She watched him for his reaction to the news, but he was quiet.

"I wanted to ask you what you've heard from her lately."

He shook his head, "Nothing. Not for the last week. I know she was leaving on a mission, but she wouldn't say. You've already told me more than I knew."

Shepard nodded, "Okay."

"Jane, I'm going to do some research on the planet and find out what I can. I'll keep you posted."

She patted his shoulder, "Sounds good, Garrus."

Late that night she put on a vid and watched it alone, realizing bitterly what tomorrow would bring. Tali would be back on board and she would pretty much cease to exist around Garrus anymore. She tried to mentally prepare herself.

In the morning, she got up early and stopped by Miranda's office for a last minute debrief. They discussed the intel Miranda had gotten overnight.

"And who are you taking with you?"

"I thought Zaheed and Garrus. They didn't take too kindly to you and Jacob on Freedom's progress."

Miranda shook her head, "You can't take Garrus with you."

Shepard furrowed her brow, "Why not? I'm telling you, there's no way he's going to let me leave him behind."

Miranda gestured with her hand, "Dr. Chakwas confirmed with me just now. Haestrom's magnetosphere has been obliterated. The solar output will damage your shields, no matter how careful you are. With his recent facial surgery and re-construction, it would be detrimental at best, and potentially deadly."

"That's going to be tough for me to convince him."

"You'll have to. His skin is too thin, and the damage could burst an artery in his neck, killing him in seconds. Even through his helmet and bandages, it's just not enough to protect him. We could build him something to block the radiation, I'm sure Mordin and Jacob could do it, but we'd need time, and we don't have time."

Shepard nodded, "I understand. I'll let him know."

"Good. EDI will keep you posted with any updates as you approach the planet."

Shepard sent a quick message to Jack and made her way down to the cargo bay. She approached the shuttle to see Zaheed and Garrus already there, waiting.

"Shepard, I'm having trouble with my shotgun. You got anything else here I can use?" Zaheed had several weapons pulled out from the armory storage by the shuttle.

"Um, yeah, let's take a look."

He distracted her for a few minutes, but they were able to agree on a satisfactory replacement. She turned her attention to Garrus who was talking to Jack.

"So, four of us on this mission Shepard? Is it that rough down on the planet?" Garrus asked, concerned.

"No, Jack and Zaheed are coming, you're staying behind."

Garrus laughed, but then got serious seeing Shepard's face.

"Wait a minute-"

She grabbed his shoulder and pulled him away from the group. She explained the danger to his face and neck from the planet. He argued with her, adamant he was going.

"You're not listening to me!" she hissed, "You're as good as dead if you go down there. Don't be selfish! We don't have time to make you a more protective helmet. What's more important? Us rescuing Tali, or you being able to meet her there? You'll get to talk to her when we bring her back on board."

He agreed reluctantly, "But what do you mean, 'rescue her'? Is she in danger?"

"Communications have stopped. We don't know what's going on down there, but it's not a good sign." She patted his arm, "You know I'll do everything I can to bring her back safe. This is a good team. We'll get the job done."

"I understand. I have faith in you Jane. Sorry I gave you a hard time."

"It's okay. I'm worried about her too." She turned and got on the shuttle with Jack and Zaheed closely behind her. She felt the weight of his happiness on her ability to keep Tali safe. She was determined not to disappoint him.


	7. Chapter 7

As they exited the shuttle on Haestrom, EDI gave them one last recap of the planet.

"Move out." Shepard commanded.

As soon as she hit the sunlight, her shields started overheating and the alarms sounded in her com. She started running for the shade ahead of her. "Damn, she wasn't kidding."

"Get the hell out of the sun!" Jack yelled behind her.

She looked back at Jack and Zaheed who were running up behind her. "Stick to the shade, otherwise we'll be fried."

They nodded and they made their way through the gate towards the ruins.

"Destruction incoming!" Zaheed called out.

She looked up and saw a geth drop ship. "We must have triggered their sensors."

Fighting through the first wave of geth, they entered a larger open area with a gate in the distance, more geth spilling out.

"There's got to be a better way around." Zaheed hid behind a pillar.

"On it." Shepard cloaked and ran behind them for a set of stairs. She could feel her suit heating up and the alarms were going off again. "Christ, even a few seconds in the sun puts out that much damage?" she ran to the foot of the stairs to cool off her suit before continuing. She thought about how glad she was Garrus didn't go with them. It was worse than they had planned.

More geth, more heat and they came upon a dead Quarian with a radio.

 _"_ _OP-1, this is Squad Leader Kal'Reeger, come in, over."_

She answered and they set their coms to be able to communicate with him. Getting a sit rep, she was able to confirm with him that Tali was still alive. A surprise visit from another geth drop ship shot a pylon down and blocked their way.

"Dammit." Shepard yelled out. She was so close. She could not return without Tali.

" _Get the demo charges and blow it out of the way, there should be enough there to do the job."_

EDI located them and they fought through the seemingly endless supply of geth.

"We must be getting close, they're bringing the big boys out." Jack said.

Zaheed chuckled, "Is that how you like them?"

"Yeah, haven't you heard?" Jack snapped back.

"Actually, that is what I've heard." Zaheed quipped.

Shepard rolled her eyes, she knew it would be an interesting personality mix between these two, but didn't want to have to referee like she did with Miranda and Jack.

"It's about to get fun!" Jack ran out and took out two more geth rocket troopers.

"Go after those cloaked hunters first." Shepard ordered.

They finally were able to get the first demo charge and Shepard listened to Tali's journal entry, talking about a time she'd used the mining laser on Therum. "I forgot all about that," Shepard mused. It was good to hear her voice again. She set her jaw, determined to get her before the geth did.

"That wasn't so bad, let's get the second charge."

As they left the room a drop ship let down a hail of geth, including a geth prime.

"Fuck, that's the biggest one I've seen." Jack was surprised.

"Come see me in my quarters tonight, and you'll be saying that again." Zaheed smirked.

Shepard braced herself, she knew this type of banter helped in tense missions, but Jack was a powder keg, and Zaheed was a flame-thrower.

To her surprise, she heard Jack laugh over the com-link. "I think I'll do that, if just to see if you're all talk or not."

Zaheed laughed, "Looking forward to it."

Shepard shook her head, and continued firing a hail of ammo at the prime. They flanked it, she cloaked and finished it off. Soon they had the second demo charge. "Figures it would be in the back of the very last room," Shepard said wryly. "At least we've cleared the way." They walked out of the room, and instantly a hail of geth rained down from another dropship.

"Think you could stop saying shit like that, Shepard?" Jack complained.

She was starting to wonder herself. Shepard cloaked and went upstairs, whittling down a destroyer's shields far enough to hack it into turning on the other geth. "Let it do the work for us," she murmured to herself. Jack and Zaheed were down below, taking the rest of them out.

"Come on, we've wasted too much time already," Shepard caught up to them.

"Can't help it, was too busy checking out the fine ass in front of me."

Jack swung around and put her hand on her hip, "You mean the one that was saving yours?"

"Yea, that's right."

Jack smirked and walked ahead.

"Turning into another vid series," Shepard said under her breath. They set the charges and found a communications console with Tali's image on it.

"Finally," Shepard ran up to it.

 _"_ _Good to hear your voice, Shepard. I got the data I needed, and I'm safe for now, but I've got a lot of geth outside."_

They discussed the situation, their plan. _"Reeger had a team of Marines guarding me, at least some of them are still alive, I can hear them shooting outside,"_ Tali looked down.

She hacked the door for Shepard and pleaded, _"Do what you can to keep Reeger alive."_

Shepard was touched, Tali must feel responsible for them, as their sole duty was to protect her at all costs. Fighting through more geth – including cloaked flying bombers, they made their way to the last room. Shepard slammed the button to open the door, "Now just the remaining few, we can take Tali and get the hell out of here." She grinned. The shutters opened, and all three of them looked over at a Geth Colossus arming itself.

"Son of a bitch!" Jack yelled.

"Get down!" Shepard yelled as they hit the floor, a missile narrowly missing them.

"Didn't I tell you to stop predicting an easy fight?" Jack chided her.

Zaheed was up and cocking his gun, "I get paid extra for heavy armory battles."

"Too much for you?" Jack said sarcastically.

"I think the only thing here too much for me is you."

"That's the first true thing you've said on this mission. Except for my ass being fine."

"Come on," Shepard rounded the corner down the stairs.

Kal'Reeger was hunched down, shooting rockets at the geth. He updated Shepard on what they were facing, that Tali was still safe in the observatory. He was the only one of his squad left.

"You get in close, I'll take it out with my rocket."

Shepard looked at him, it was a suicide mission for him, with a suit rupture, he would be sacrificing himself. She thought back to Tali's request.

"We don't have enough people on our side for you to take one for the team. Stand down."

Reeger hesitated, "Have it your way, ma'am. Keelah se'lai."

The battle was brutal. Shepard had to use medigel on her team more than once as they were hammered by geth everywhere and the continuing assault from the solar radiation. Finally taking the colossus out, she opened the observatory where Tali was finishing up on her computer.

"Thank you Shepard. If it wasn't for you, I'd never had made it out of this room."

She turned to her, "I wish I'd joined you back on Freedom's progress, but I couldn't let anyone take my place on something this risky."

They discussed the data, the deteriorating star and Tali's sadness at the loss of her team.

"Once you deliver the data, I could use you on the Normandy."

Tali brought up her omni-tool, "I promised to see this mission through. I did. I can leave with you and send the data to the Fleet. If the admiralty don't like it, they can go to hell. I just watched the rest of my team die."

They turned to see Kal'Reeger limping towards them, "Maybe not the whole rest of your team, Ma'am."

"Reeger! You made it!" Tali was overjoyed. She ran up to him and gave him a hug.

"Oof, glad to see you're in one piece. Your old Captain's as good as you said. That damn Colossus never stood a chance."

Shepard offered him a ride, which he refused. "Our ship should get us out of here okay," he turned to Tali.

Tali looked down, "Actually, I won't be going with you. I'm joining Commander Shepard."

"I'll pass the data to the Admiralty board. She's all yours now, Shepard." He walked up to her closer, "Keep her safe."

As they turned to leave, Tali told them to go on ahead and she went back to talk to Reeger for a minute. Catching up with Shepard and the team, they walked back to the shuttle. Shepard introduced her to Jack and Zaheed who walked behind them as they made their way back to the open ruins where the shuttle could pick them up. Back on board, Shepard sat next to Tali, who told her more about the data she collected and the mission. Listening to her talk, Shepard was struck by the change in her. She was more self-assured, confident. So far away from the Quarian on pilgrimage, fighting Fist.

 _"_ _Enter." Shepard sat back at her desk._

 _Tali came in, wringing her hands._

 _Shepard smiled, "Still having trouble sleeping, Tali?"_

 _"_ _Yes, and no. I'm getting more used to it. It's more the pressure."_

 _Shepard frowned, motioning to her chair, "Sit down, let's talk about it."_

 _"_ _Being an Admiral's daughter, I have to bring something very important back from my pilgrimage. I'll be more scrutinized because of his position."_

 _"_ _Helping bring Saren down won't be enough?"_

 _"_ _Well, that's good, but I have to bring something useful back that will help my people and the Flotilla. Something tangible. I hate to burden you with my problems." She put her hands in her lap and looked down._

 _Shepard sat next to her and put her arm around her, "Look, I'm sure we'll be able to find something, some data, some geth bits and pieces, something that will help you. If we don't come across something on the mission, we can contact the shadow broker as a last resort."_

 _"_ _You'd really do that for me?"_

 _"_ _Of course. You're a good friend, and a valuable and loyal member of the team. I'll do everything I can."_

 _Tali brightened, "I don't know what to say, thank you."_

Shepard remembered Tali's delight with the data they'd found in the Armstrong cluster. She seemed so confident now, battle-hardened as well. The shuttle made a turn and jostled them all. Shepard turned her attention to the seats across her as Jack and Zaheed were having a close conversation. Seemed the battle-field flirting had extended to the shuttle. "They'll either tear each other apart, or-"

"Shepard," her omni-tool crackled, "Please meet me in the conference room with Tali'Zorah for a debrief when you arrive."

"Will do, Taylor." She clicked it off.

Tali frowned, "Cerberus, Shepard? We need to talk."

Shepard sighed, "I know, Tali, I'll go over the whole story with you."

The shuttle docked with the Normandy, and the doors opened. Jack and Zaheed spilled out, and Shepard took off her helmet. As she stood in the doorway, she grinned at Garrus, waiting in cargo bay. It was so nice to see-

"Garrus!" Tali ran past her.

"Tali," he grabbed her and took her in his arms, holding her in a tight embrace.

For those initial seconds, Shepard had forgotten. Now she felt ill, watching the scene play out in front of her as if to taunt her. She quickly turned and put her gun away and clutching her helmet in her hands went to the elevator, leaving them back by the shuttle. She punched the buttons, but the elevator was taking Jack and Zaheed up already. She waited impatiently. She couldn't see them, but could hear their excited voices.

"How am I going to deal with this every fucking day?" It was one thing to think about it, imagine it, it was quite another to have to watch them be a loving couple in front of her face. She pushed the button to the elevator repeatedly, and after what seemed an eternity, it finally opened and she went up to her quarters. She changed into her casuals, when Jacob pinged her about meeting him with Tali in the conference room.

"Damn, I forgot." She quickly finished in her room and made her way downstairs. She waited a few moments and Tali walked in. She put a smile on her face as Tali walked towards her.

Jacob started, "Cerberus saw footage of you in action, Tali'Zorah. We're looking forward to having you on the team."

Shepard watched as Tali paced, but not nervously, more like a lion, watching a predator. "I don't know who you are, but Cerberus threatened the security of the Migrant Fleet. Don't make nice."

Shepard raised her eyebrows, this was new.

"That's why you're here, Tali. I need people who aren't Cerberus, people I can trust."

Jacob leaned over the table, "I wasn't part of what happened to the Migrant Fleet, but I understand your distrust. Hopefully we can move past that as we work together."

Tali turned to Shepard, "I assumed you were working undercover, Shepard. Maybe even planning to blow Cerberus up. If that's the case, I'll loan you a grenade. Otherwise, I'm here for you, not for them."

Shepard admired her unflinching loyalty. "If it helps, check out the Normandy systems while you're here. We've gotten a few upgrades."

Jacob chimed in, "I'll get Tali'Zorah the necessary security clearance to access our systems."

Tali addressed Jacob with a clipped tone, "Please do, I can't be a part of your team if I don't know how the ship works." She walked away and stood close to Shepard, "I'll be in Engineering if you need me."

As she got to the door, Jacob called out, "Oh, don't forget to introduce yourself to EDI, the ship's new artificial intelligence."

Tali stopped short in the doorway and spun around to face him. Even through the shaded face-plate Shepard could see the daggers she shot at him. She remained silent, and turned back around and left.

"What the fuck was that?" Shepard leaned on the table towards Jacob.

"What?" he held out his hands.

"Just had to needle her about the AI on board," Shepard pointed at him, "Keep this shit up and I'll reassign you to the kitchen."

Jacob raised his voice, "After she offered to loan you a grenade to blow us up?"

"I know what Cerberus did to the Migrant Fleet trying to go after that biotic girl, so don't play dumb, and don't fucking raise your voice to me you piece of shit, got it?"

She could see his veins pulsating in his neck, but he saluted her and left quietly.

Shepard sighed heavily and looked down at the table. No matter her feelings about Tali and Garrus' relationship, she was a good friend, and she would protect and support her.


	8. Chapter 8

Their next stop was Illium, where she recruited the next 2 dossiers, Thane and Samara. Thane turned out to be an interesting distraction, as his calm demeanor helped her take her mind off her emotional turmoil. It has been tougher than she anticipated, watching Garrus and Tali together. They didn't hang all over each other in the hallways, but their light touch, his arm around her shoulder, how much time they spent together, it stabbed her heart. Shepard poured herself in her work as much as she could, but it wasn't a 24/7 cure. The times she was alone, in the elevator, her quarters, she couldn't escape her despair, made more acute by pushing it off until she was overcome by it. If anyone else noticed, they didn't say. She stopped talking to Joker about it when she realized the extent of his guilt over her death.

Thane noticed it, her sadness anyways. She didn't explain the source of her emotions. They seemed to commiserate, his mourning for his wife was still palpable, and to a certain extent, for his own impending death.

Shepard ate in the mess hall, trying to actually put on some weight on. Her appetite was gone, she felt she was going through the motions of her life. On some level she knew she shouldn't let a relationship affect her so much, but then again, having to work with him, with both of them, made it more acute. She realized how much he loved him, how monumental he was in her life. She ate alone, stabbing at her food, moving it around, forcing herself to eat some of it. She glanced around the mess and saw them, again. Garrus and Tali eating across from each other at the table ahead of her. She quickly looked back down at her plate. It seemed like she was living a past that no one acknowledged. Neither of them ever said anything about her being with Garrus before she was spaced. She shook her head. Did she mean that little? Was it just so much time had gone by? She had expected Tali to say something about it to her the first few times they talked after she was back on the ship. She kept waiting, but she never did. They talked about her father, the flotilla, her mission, but she never talked to her about Garrus.

"Why would she? He's hers now." She muttered to herself.

She got up in frustration and took her plate to the kitchen. On her way back, she passed by their table and gave them a perfunctory smile. Tali stopped her, "Shepard, are we going on a mission tomorrow? There was talk there might be shore leave."

Shepard nodded, "Um, yeah, Miranda mentioned that might be a good idea," she brought up her omni-tool, "I'll message the crew we'll have shore leave tomorrow." She brought it down and turned it off.

"That's great. I think there's a bunch of the crew going out tonight to a bar on the Citadel. Would you come?" Tali asked.

She put her hand up to her forehead, "Uh, well,"

Garrus chimed in, "You should come. You don't take enough free time off the ship."

She gave him a wan smile. She used to always go out with him. But now-

"I'll see. Maybe."

"Okay, see you later." And Tali turned back to Garrus.

Shepard took a deep breath and walked back through the mess hall and made her way to her quarters. She actually kind of missed a closer friendship with Tali. She liked her, even more now with her increased maturity and strength. But, she just couldn't get past her being Garrus' girlfriend, and as much as she would like to think she could be a big person and go out with them, being third wheel with her previous boyfriend was not ever going to happen.

She was in her quarters late that afternoon working at her desk when Thane came by, asking her if she would go out on shore leave with him.

"Um, I'm not really interested in going out, but thanks."

Thane leaned against the glass wall by her desk, "You have a lot of work to do?"

She leaned back in her chair and looked up at him, "Not really, to be honest. I'm just doing research on some planets."

He shrugged, "So you would be able to get away, then."

She sighed and pushed away from her desk, "Yes, I would. I just – I don't think I'd be great company, though."

He tilted his head, "I understand. However, I do not require that you entertain me. Just to have another person to accompany me would be welcome." He took a step further, "And I believe it would be beneficial to you to take a break from the mission." He looked at her directly.

She gave him a reluctant smile, "You're right. I tell you what, I'll change and meet you in half an hour by the Normandy exit."

He bowed slightly and left her quarters. She got up, shook her arms out to relieve the tingling from her implants and changed her clothes. In the bathroom she took her hair out of its tight bun and shook the curls loose. She leaned against the sink and studied her reflection. Dark circles under her eyes and pallor looked back at her. She pulled out her makeup bag and fixed herself up, bright red lipstick a finishing touch.

She found Thane waiting patiently by the exit, and he joined her as they walked out to the streets on the Citadel. They ate, discussed various topics, she ended up enjoying his company after all. He was quiet, contemplative, and didn't probe when she was reluctant to talk. She asked him about drell culture, his planet. It started to get late, and as they walked through the increasing crowd, he pointed out a place and they went in. She sized it up, it was a large club.

"A change of pace?" he motioned to the bar.

She nodded and they ordered drinks while she looked around. To her surprise she saw Kasumi wave at her from across the dance floor. She waved back, then saw her motion for her to come out on the dance floor. Shepard shook her head no, then saw Jack next to Kasumi, yelling out at her to join them. Shepard gave them an emphatic no, then turned to Thane, "That's weird, running into them."

Thane put his drink down, "No, they asked me to meet them here."

Shepard frowned, then it dawned on her, the place Tali had been talking about. She looked around the club quickly and spotted Zaheed, Joker, and turned back to Thane.

He wrinkled his brow, "Is everything okay?"

She forced a smile, "Yeah, yeah. I just, I'm not much of a dancer."

"Me either. Not anymore."

She finished her drink and ordered another, and as she took a sip, she turned and saw Tali and Garrus, close in conversation at a far corner of the club. She turned back to the bar abruptly and slammed her fist on the table. This was exactly what she wanted to avoid. She glanced over at Thane who was watching the dancing crowd. She shook her head in frustration and took large sips of her drink. For the next hour she sat at the bar, talking intermittently to Thane. Some of the crew came up and talked to her, and once they were able to talk her into a group dance out on the floor. She tried to ignore Tali and Garrus as much as she could. They stayed in their cozy corner, and Shepard got drunker and drunker. She got up from her stool and started to fall, held up by Thane.

"Perhaps we should go."

"Wait, wait-" she stumbled to regain her balance. "I've got to go to the bathroom first." She tried to walk, but started to stumble again. Thane held her arm for support, and caught Jack's attention to come over.

"What's up?"

"Could you take her to the restroom?"

Jack nodded and put Shepard's arm around her shoulders, helping her maneuver the crowd. "You really need to learn to hold your liquor, Shepard. Didn't take you for such a lightweight."

Shepard sat on the toilet seat, feeling the walls spin around her, "I used to drink Krogan under the table."

Outside the stall, Jack huffed, "So what happened?"

"Cerberus."

"Figures." Jack rolled her eyes.

The toilet flushed and door opened, and Jack pulled Shepard's arm over her shoulder and started to walk out.

"Hold on, I have to –" Shepard pulled her towards the sink.

"Trust me, if you don't wash your hands, I won't tell."

"No, no," she steadied herself with her hands on the edge of the sink and tried to focus on the mirror, "Do I look okay?"

Jack put her hand on her hip, "I don't think your boyfriend cares."

"What?" she looked at her in the reflection confused, "He's not even looking at me." She fixed her slightly smeared lipstick and sprinkled water on her hands, smoothing some of the frizz off her hair.

Impatient, Jack walked back towards her, "Okay, that's enough," and held her by the arms, guiding her towards the door. She held her in front of her and pushed their way through the dance floor towards Thane. "See, he thinks you're gorgeous." Jack pointed out.

Shepard made a face at her, "Not him, stupid."

Jack pushed her harder, then said, "You're on your own, sweetheart."

She walked back to the bar and started to pick up her glass. Thane stopped her arm in a flash. "I think we should go."

Shepard reluctantly put the glass down and nodded. They walked back to the Normandy, Shepard using Thane as support. He went with her up to her quarters, and once inside, she surprised him by bursting into tears.

At a loss, he lightly put his hands on her shoulders, "What-"

She pulled back, "I'm not pretty enough. They did this to me, they changed me."

Thane took in a deep breath. "Shepard."

"It's true, isn't it? That's why he won't be with me. It's not fair. I'd rather still be dead."

"Please don't say that."

She looked up at him with red, tear-stained face and clamped her hand over her mouth. She mumbled through her fingers, "I think I'm going to be sick." She ran past him to her bathroom and dropped to the floor in front of the toilet. She started puking, flushing between bouts. She thought Thane had left until she saw him out of the corner of her eye standing next to her.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I'm really sorry." She coughed and spit out into the toilet.

"It's okay." He leaned down and pulled her hair up and out of her face.

"Thanks," she croaked out, and sat up with another wave of vomit.

A few more times, and she knelt back on her heels, leaning her cheek on her arm as she rested it on her toilet seat. She tried to get her breath back, the feel of the acid in her throat still making her cough. Thane was running a washcloth under the sink and handed it to her. As she wiped her face, he brought her a glass of water. She tried to push it away, but he told her, "Just a few sips." She complied.

She looked up at him, "Thanks, I'm sorry to put you through this."

He waved her off, "You needed somebody, and I was happy to help."

She started to cry again, "I just don't understand why he rejected me. I loved him so much." She put her face in her hands.

Thane knelt down and tried to pull her up. She stood up and wiped tears from her face. "You saw them in the club, didn't you?"

He shook his head no, "I'm sorry-"

She huffed in frustration. "It's like we never were together. He hates me. No way Tali is better for him than me, we are meant to be together."

Then Thane knew who she was torturing herself over. "Come on, get some sleep, it will be better in the morning."

She shook her head no. "It won't, it will never be better, it's killing me."

"Should you go to sickbay?"

"No, that's a bad idea." She looked up at him, "I'll just go to bed."

Relieved, Thane walked her over and stood by as she sat on her bed and took off her boots. She scooted up and turned on her side, taking her pillow tightly towards her. "Thanks for helping me, sorry I was so gross."

He chuckled, "Don't worry about me. If you have any problems, if you want to talk again, message me."

She picked her head up and saw him go up her stairs towards the door, "You're a great friend, Thane."

He turned and bowed, and left.


	9. Chapter 9

The next morning she was awoken by her alarm and the relentless throbbing of her head. She flopped back on her pillow, holding her hands over her eyes, "Fuck." Flashes of the night before flickered through her mind. Going out with Thane, the club, coming back to the Normandy, then it started to get a little vague. She remembered getting sick in the toilet and Garrus was there to help her out. Her eyes flew open, "Garrus," then she remembered clearly. Not Garrus, it was Thane who had held her hair and helped her to bed. "Oh, yeah," embarrassing. She threw her legs over the side of the bed and sat up, holding her hands to her forehead. "God almighty!" she could barely focus her eyes. She'd never had this type of reaction to alcohol before. Dr. Chakwas had warned her she had less of a tolerance because of the implant technology, but she had no idea it would be like this. She sat and waited, taking deep breaths. She made her way to the bathroom and used the toilet. Her mind wandered back to last night, and she looked down on the bathroom floor, remembering sitting there, crying, telling Thane about Garrus. "Oh, shit." It came rushing back to her, something about how she wasn't pretty enough, and Tali wasn't the one for him. "Goddamn. How mortifying." What a great Commander she was, whining about her lost boyfriend like a schoolgirl.

An hour later she made her way down to Thane's quarters, but he wasn't there. She looked around the mess hall and spotted him eating at a table with a few of the crew. She walked up to him and he brightened, seeing her.

"Commander, are you feeling better today?"

She nodded and sat down across him. "Improved, but I wouldn't say better."

"I am not surprised. You were – pretty bad off last night."

She ran her hands through her freshly washed hair, "Yeah, about that," she lowered her voice, "I know I said a lot of things, and most of it I can't remember, but I need to apologize to you, it was completely inappropriate for me to talk about such personal matters with you, to fall apart like that."

Thane listened and leaned forward, "I understand. You were extremely intoxicated, and I know you were not reacting as you normally would." He covered her hand with his, "It's alright, Commander. We all have our personal pain we are going through. You have been professional, and knowing what I do now, I'd say very controlled," he smiled, "Don't feel embarrassed on my account. Sometimes we feel more comfortable confiding in a stranger. It stays between us."

She nodded, looking down at the table. His gracious words didn't ease her feelings about it, but at least she knew they had cleared the air.

He took a bite of food, "Would you care for some breakfast?"

She wrinkled up her nose and got up from the table, "No thanks, I think I need to go see Dr. Chakwas and get something first."

He nodded and watched her back as she rounded the corner and went into medbay. He saw her through the window talk to the Dr. and hold her hand to her head. He smiled, she must have quite the hangover. He turned away, refusing to indulge himself in any further thoughts about her. Another place, another time, maybe. But, it was never going to happen. He thought back to Irika.

In medbay, the Dr. gave Shepard a shot, "I warned you about drinking too much."

She sighed, "I know, but I had no idea it would be like the worst migraine you could imagine."

"I don't think any of us could predict. You're something of a unique case, Shepard." She put the equipment back and turned to face her, "Anything else you want to talk to me about?"

Shepard was tempted, but refused. "Nope. Thanks for the meds though." She smiled and walked out of medbay.

She was more careful after that, refusing to drink alcohol again. The loss of control, making a fool out of herself with Thane, she didn't want a repeat performance. Again, she threw herself into the missions and worked on getting to know her new crew better. Kasumi turned out to be a good friend, and funny too. She enjoyed spending time with her. She worked out, researched planets, continued trying to figure out the Reaper's agenda. The pain of Garrus' rejection was a dull ache that never went away, and she focused on just getting used to it, accepting it at this point.

Many nights the crew held poker games in Samara's quarters. She went to one, and she watched across the room, sipping on water as Tali draped over Garrus as he played. Shepard sat in the back corner of Samara's quarters, the crew focusing on the game. Hidden in the shadows, she indulged herself in her hatred of their relationship. She took a drink and glared at them fully. She felt rejected, unwanted and forgotten. Garrus won the hand and as they congratulated him and he picked up his cards, he took Tali's hand and kissed it, then looked across and locked eyes with Shepard. For an instant, she saw the first flicker of recognition of their relationship on his face as he immediately looked down and stopped smiling. Her eyes bored into him, but he refused to look her way again, and tiring of the situation, she got up and put her glass on the table and walked out, unnoticed by the crew.

Nothing was said about it the next day, or after that, and they continued with their friendship as it was before, her new normal. She focused on the mission, helping Kasumi out with getting her greybox, Samara taking her daughter down. As hard as it was for Samara to do it, Shepard took a certain satisfaction helping her find closure on a mission she'd been working hundreds of years to complete.

They stopped at the Citadel, not long enough for extended shore leave, just a half-day. While the rest of the crew relaxed or shopped, Shepard enlisted Mordin's help to get supplies. He was tasked with medical and research supplies while she got the food stores sorted and general supplies then focused on upgrading the crew's weaponry. She was busy looking at rifle mods in one of the shops when she heard a voice behind her.

"Shopping for your favorite Krogan?"

She turned to see Garrus leaning in the doorway of the shop.

"How'd you guess?" she smiled, "I'm glad you're here, tell me what you think of this." she held up the mod for his inspection.

They went back and forth on several weapon mods, debating the pros and cons. She purchased several to be sent back to the Normandy. Leaving the shop, they strolled through the ward chatting lightly about recent missions.

Garrus stopped and pointed up at a shop sign, "Want to get something to eat?"

She looked up at the restaurant, "Um, well-"

"Have you eaten since you left the ship?"

She shook her head no.

He crossed his arms, "I know you, you're not taking care of yourself. Come on, let's get something to eat." He took her hand and led her in. The waiter gestured for them to have a seat and she found herself sitting across from him, ordering food.

He finished his order and looked across the table at her, smiling. "It's been a while."

She could still feel the warmth of his hand on hers, and she started at his statement. She swallowed hard, "Yes, it has."

"It's good to get off the ship and away from the mission for a little bit," he cocked his head and studied her, "How are you holding up?"

She took a deep breath, considering briefly being honest with him. Dismissing it, she folded her arms on the table and gave him a weak smile, discussing the effects of her Cerberus implants and her health. Their food was served and they continued talking, about her ability to eat Turian foods now, his family. Everything but the mission, and of course, their past.

Finishing their meal, he stood up and held his hand out for her, but she got up and patted his arm, and walked past him. They left the restaurant and she looked at her omni-tool.

"It's getting late."

He checked the time in his visor, "Not so much. Kasumi suggested a club to the crew. I think it's around here-"

She looked over at him quizzically. It was an affront to her emotions, his easy familiarity and assumption that she could extinguish her love for him so completely to be able to go out as buddies. She slowed down, "I really need to get back to the ship. But – you go on."

He looked disappointed, but nodded. She turned and walked briskly away, holding her arms tightly across her chest, as if trying to keep herself together, literally. Tali must be busy tonight. She knew she was doing some research for her father, she'd heard her mention that a few days before. She walked with purpose past the shops and clubs. Her ache for him to want her as much as she wanted him was acute. Spending that time with him had been a mistake, because against all logic, her feelings tried to create a reality that didn't exist. Every look he gave her at the restaurant, how closely he stood next to her, she dissected, prodding it to mean more. She almost had herself convinced, and when he asked her to the club, she mentally leapt at the chance to experience what she had been yearning for since she woke up on the Cerberus base. The temptation would be too much, she knew she wouldn't be able to stop herself from trying. She had to respect Tali, and not put herself in a situation where she knew she would shamelessly try to convince Garrus she was the one for him.

She huffed with frustration at how she would compromise her pride and integrity if given the opportunity, so she had to make sure she didn't allow any opportunities to happen. As much as she liked to think of herself as a person of a degree of character, she also knew herself enough to know that she would throw everything away to be with him. She stomped on the metal floor of the SR2 walkway past the CIC. In the elevator to her quarters, she leaned against the back wall, playing through the afternoon in her mind. As the doors opened, she entered her quarters slowly, then plopped down on the couch, emotionally exhausted.

 _"_ _How's the training going?"_

 _"_ _Tedious, but worth it. I don't get to take a short-cut to Spectre-hood like you, Jane."_

 _She laughed and pulled her feet up under her scooting closer to her vidscreen. "I could put in a good word for you, you know, being the one who took Saren down and saved us from the Reaper attack and all."_

 _Garrus chuckled, "Which you couldn't have done without me."_

 _"_ _That is never in question."_

 _He sighed, "So, when do you think you'll be swinging the Normandy around my way?"_

 _She shook her head, "Not soon enough for me. We're being sent out to the Terminus system."_

 _"_ _Really?"_

 _"_ _Yeah, more pesky geth out there to take care of. Either way though, in a few weeks we'll be low on supplies so we'll have to restock."_

 _"_ _It's hard without you, Jane."_

 _"_ _I feel the same way too Garrus."_

 _"_ _I love you Jane."_

 _She drew in a sharp breath, there it was. Finally. She'd wanted to say it for weeks. "I love you too Garrus." She brought her hand up to his image on the vidscreen._

She leaned her forward and let her head fall down. She studied the floor, emerging from the memory. Wiping the tears from her face, she hated him for taking the scab off that wound.


	10. Chapter 10

The missions continued, intense and grim. The more they discovered, the more confused she was. One thing was for sure, the Reapers and collectors had to be stopped. After a particularly grueling mission on the shadow broker's base, she took some time off to recoup. The yahg battle had been tough on her, and she'd ended up in medbay with injuries. She refused help from a few of the crew, isolating herself in her quarters, continuing working on her research and reports. As Miranda took over mining planets for resources, they made their way back to Omega to finish up a short mission for Aria. It was a small mission, helping the Patriarch out, but Shepard felt it was necessary. "Nothing wrong with staying on Aria's good side." To be honest, she admired her in a way. A tough, hardened warrior, a queen. They would be close friends, if she didn't teeter so much in the criminal element. "Maybe if I lived a few hundred more years I'd end up like her too, who knows." Battle and betrayal takes its toll.

Not wanting to burn out the crew, Shepard announced shore leave on Omega for 2 days. Feeling healed, physically, Shepard finally allowed Kasumi to take her out, much to her delight. She excitedly showed Shepard the better shops and hidden gems on Omega. They ate out, and as she knew it was inevitable, Kasumi led her to a dance club. Soon Kasumi left her at the bar and melded into the pulsating dance floor. Shepard stayed at the bar and nibbled at some snacks, taking very small sips of the one drink she would allow herself to have. Soon more of the crew showed up, taking Kasumi's advice on the best place to go on Omega. Shepard amused herself by watching the different species of dancers, listening to the pounding music. She thought back to the night she enticed Morinth in Afterlife. Leaning her elbows back on the bar, she scanned the room again and saw Garrus with the small group of the crew. She turned, forcing herself not to focus on him. Joker sat next Shepard, keeping her company. Over the loud music he cracked jokes and told her about funny things he'd seen the crew doing on the vid feed.

 _Some things never change_ , she thought.

Joker leaned over to her, "You know, I think that guy is trying to get your attention."

She looked in the direction he was gesturing to and saw a Turian suddenly look away, then back at her from across the bar. He was standing next to a small group that was talking and joking with each other.

She turned to Joker who nodded at her, "He keeps looking at you when you turn away"

"What?" she made a face and looked down in her glass. She took a drink, then looked directly at the Turian, catching him staring at her.

Joker looked over his shoulder at him, "See," he grinned, "what did I tell you. He thinks you're hot."

She shook her head, "Nah, he probably recognizes me from the vids or something."

"Well, maybe you should find out, that's all I'm saying."

She straightened up, "Looks like I will."

Joker turned to see him making his way around the bar towards them.

"Hi, I don't mean to interrupt," he looked at Joker inquiringly.

Joker put his drink down, "Nope, not interrupting at all, I think I'll go out on the dance floor, break a few bones. See you later, Jane."

She made a face at him for using her first name, and introduced herself to the Turian. He leaned against the bar and they made small talk. Joker was right, he was definitely interested in her, and it didn't seem like he had any idea of who she was. They chatted for a while, and he asked her to dance. To her surprise, she heard herself say yes, and she followed him out on the dance floor, holding the hand he held out to her. She caught a glimpse of Kasumi giving her a thumbs up. She tried her best to follow his moves without flailing her arms around and hitting him. He wasn't that great a dancer either, so she didn't feel intimidated. She relaxed, allowing herself to have a good time, for the first time in a very long while. He got closer to her, putting his hands on her shoulders. It was nice, comforting and exciting at the same time.

She caught a glimpse of Kasumi gesturing to her from across the bar, by the front exit. "Hold on a minute, I've got to go see what my friend wants, I'll be right back." She weaved her way through the crowd to where Kasumi, Jack and Joker were standing near the exit.

"I've got your credit chit," Kasumi handed it to her, "you might need it for later, for a cab or whatever." She gave her a mischievous smile.

"Thanks," Shepard put it in her pocket, "What do you mean, 'whatever'?"

She leaned forward to Shepard's ear, "They have rentable rooms upstairs."

Shepard rolled her eyes, "Kasumi-"

"Hey, look, enjoy yourself tonight, okay?" she flipped around and joined the other crew at the exit and left.

Shepard smiled and turned back, making her way to the dance floor. She didn't see the Turian she was just dancing with. Straining to look through the crowd, she finally spied him back at the bar, ordering a drink. She quickly went up to him, "Hey, there you are," lightly touching his arm.

He looked down at her, "I enjoyed dancing with you, but I'm sorry, I didn't mean to cause any problems,"

She shook her head, "No, they were just leaving, she was giving me my credit chit."

He stood stiffly, "I didn't mean to intrude, I didn't know you were spoken for."

"What are you talking about?" she was thoroughly confused.

He gestured towards the front door, "He indicated you were with him."

She spun her head around and saw Garrus by the front door, making a hasty exit when he saw her looking his way. She turned back to the Turian, "He said what?"

He shook his head, "It's not anything he said, I saw him watching us as we were dancing, and when you left he walked by and vocalized his disapproval and ownership."

Her eyes got wide and she put her hands on her hips, "What the fuck did he say?" she raised her voice.

"It's a Turian thing, he didn't actually say anything, but the growls and the look, as you humans would say, were clear. You know him, right?"

"Yeah," she said angrily, "I know him."

"Look," he held out his hands, "I like you, but I'm not going to get between you guys. It was nice to meet you, have a good night." He bowed and walked away.

She spun around and fumed out of the club and out in the street, looking around for Garrus. "What the fuck," she brought up her omni-tool but couldn't find his location. Frustrated, she shut it off. "He must have turned his locator off." It wasn't uncommon for the crew to do that on shore leave, keeping Cerberus' prying eyes off their free time. She made her way back to the Normandy, her anger spurring her along. "He's got a lot of fucking nerve."

"EDI," she brought up her omni-tool as she walked briskly through the CIC, "Where is Garrus?"

" _Garrus Vakarian is not on the Normandy, Commander."_

She grit her teeth and went up to her quarters. She thought about what nerve he had to try and block her from having a social life when he was flaunting his in her face on her ship with her friend. She furiously scrubbed her hair in the shower. The hot water pelted down on her, but did little to extinguish her rage. Getting dressed she checked the time. 01:16.

"EDI, is Garrus back on the ship?"

 _"_ _Yes. Garrus Vakarian is in his quarters."_

"Thanks, EDI," she started for her door, then stopped, "Is he alone?"

 _"_ _No, Tali Zorah is with him."_

She slammed her hand on her wall, "Fuck!" She looked down at the floor. "Fine, I'll have to see him in the morning."

She paced around her quarters for a bit, then put on a vid, falling asleep on her couch. In the morning, she got dressed in her casuals, then made her way down to the mess hall.

Miranda approached her, "Commander, good morning. I wanted to get with you on the plan for today's mission-"

Shepard held her hand up to her as she scanned the mess hall, "Yeah, I'll get with you on that in a minute," she spotted Garrus walking around the tables towards the elevators. "Excuse me," she rushed past her and around the corner.

"Hey," she hissed at him, "I need to talk to you."

He stopped and looked at her casually, "Sure."

She furrowed her brows, "I want to know where the fuck you get off telling that Turian guy last night to back off."

He took in a deep breath and looked up at the ceiling, silent.

She smacked his shoulder, "Who the fuck do you think you are, Garrus? You have no right! No right!" her voice crackled with anger.

"I couldn't help myself, I didn't think he would actually tell you that."

She looked at him, confused, "Couldn't help yourself? Well he did tell me, and what I do Garrus is none of your damn business!"

"Keep your voice down," he leaned forward and said sharply.

She grabbed him and moved further away from the mess hall. She crossed her arms in front of her and glared at him.

He paced in front of her, "Look, I was just thinking we could maybe, spend some time together. I didn't want some guy messing that up."

She narrowed her eyes and curled her lip, "Are you totally deranged? What do you think your girlfriend would think of that?"

He stopped pacing and stood still, looking at her pointedly, "We're not together anymore."

"What?"

"We broke up."

"When?" she shook her head in disbelief.

"A week or so ago."

"You didn't tell me that, you never said anything." She said accusingly.

"I thought you knew. Word usually spreads quick around the ship."

"Not to me." She shook her head and thought about what he was telling her, "Why did you guys break up?"

"She's been having a relationship with Kal Reeger. Apparently it's been going on for a while now. Things with us had been fizzling out, and we decided to just be friends. I'm sorry I didn't realize you didn't know."

She put her hand over her eyes and started shaking.

He walked up to her and put his hand on her shoulder. She quickly smacked it off. She laughed, "I can't believe it, she cheated on you," she looked in his eyes and laughed again.

"It's more complicated than that."

"Oh, I'm sure it is," she looked down at the floor, shaking her head, a wry smile on her lips.

"So, I was thinking that we could spend some time together."

She snapped her head up to look at him, incredulous, raising her eyebrows, "Really?" she let out a rueful chuckle, "really." And she started to walk away.

"Hey," he reached out for her, "Come on Jane, we need to talk."

"Talk? Now you want to talk." She talked through gritted teeth, "After everything you've put me through over the past months, you've got a lot of fucking nerve. You ignored me, pretended our relationship never happened, like I meant nothing to you!"

He put his hand over his face.

She pointed at his chest, "You were with Tali just last night, why don't you go talk to her."

"I was talking to her about you, I needed her advice." He pleaded.

She put her hands up to the sides of her head, "This is ridiculous, just leave me alone, Garrus, just go away." She waved her hand at him.

Suddenly Miranda appeared from around the corner and approached them, "Sorry to interrupt, Commander, you have an emergency call from Admiral Hackett."

Shepard collected herself and took a deep breath, "Okay, I'll take it up in my quarters."

Miranda nodded, looked between the both of them and made a hasty retreat.

Shepard punched the button for the elevator and stared at the door.

"Jane, listen to me-"

"No Garrus," she spat out, "I'm not going to be your plan B!"

He moved so quickly towards her she leaned back, intimidated, "Dammit Jane, she's the plan B! Don't you get it? Tali was the plan B!"

The elevator opened and she froze in front of it. Garrus had her by the shoulders and shoved her in, the doors closing behind them.

His voice growled, "You don't know what I've been through, having to squelch my feelings for you since I woke up on the Normandy to find the love of my life alive again, a dream I'd had for two years miraculously a reality."

She shook her head vigorously, "The first thing you did was ask me about Tali."

He laughed with frustration, "You don't understand Turians, Jane. We're fiercely loyal, valuing integrity above all else. I was in a relationship for over a year with her. I couldn't just dump her after finding you alive, no matter how much it ate me up inside."

She huffed loudly, "What about your loyalty to me?"

"You were dead, dammit, for years. Or so we all thought and were told. We had a funeral for you too, it was hell. You can't expect me to stay loyal to a corpse."

She closed her eyes and held her hands palms up, "I can't get over the pain of the past few months just because Tali rejected you and now you're lonely."

He slammed his fist against the wall of the elevator, "It's not like that, Jane!"

She refused to look at him.

He waited, then punched the button on the door and left the elevator. He held it open and faced her, "I'm sorry. I'm – " he shook his head, and left. The doors closed and she collapsed on the floor.


	11. Chapter 11

Shepard snapped her computer off and sat at her desk, putting her hand up to her head. She stared down at the pile of manuals on her desk. What was it Hackett had told her? Something about a friend of his, held by Batarians. She shook her head, she'd have to replay the recording later to get the facts of the mission. She was so shaken by her confrontation with Garrus she'd been completely unable to process anything Hackett had said.

She leaned back in her desk chair and put her hands behind her head, looking up at the ceiling. She thought over exactly what she'd said to Garrus, his responses. She had a hard time believing what Garrus had told her. It just seemed a little too convenient after being dumped by Tali that he was now telling her how broken up he'd been by having to pretend he didn't still care for her. "What a bunch of bullshit," she said bitterly. "The first words he uttered when he woke up in medbay were _'Where's Tali'_ , he was all about her until now." She jumped up in anger and smacked the chair back under her desk. She leaned back against her desk, replaying the scene earlier again and again in her mind. She huffed in disgust, "He thought he could just pick up where we left off, what an asshole." She seethed in anger. Well, she wanted no part of it. Now it would be his turn to suffer for his actions. "' _I wanted to spend time with you, I didn't want that guy messing it up'_ \- sure, it's all about him, right!"

She looked across at her bathroom door and went in, leaning over the sink and taking a washcloth off the shelf. She slowly let the water run through the gray fabric and wrung it out. Looking at her reflection, she patted her neck and under her hair, holding the cool, wet towel on her skin to cool herself down. Finally she patted her cheeks lightly and opened the washcloth, putting it over the edge of the sink. She leaned her hands on the stainless steel counter and studied the drain for a few seconds. She looked up at herself, took a deep breath, and went back to her desk. She sat down and replayed Hackett's transmission. The seriousness of it finally impacted her. She pulled up her omni-tool, "Joker, change of plans. Set a course for the Bahak system, planet Aratoht."

 _"_ _Aye aye, Commander."_

She pinged Lawson and briefed her on the mission _. "And who is going on the team with you?"_ Lawson asked.

"Just me, and before you protest, trust me, I feel the same way. Hackett said it's imperative I go alone. I have to be discreet."

 _"_ _Understood, Commander."_

She grabbed a few protein bars from her desk and ate them on her way down the elevator. She sat in cargo bay, waiting for the word from Joker they were close enough to start the mission. There was no option but to put her personal life out of her mind. By now she was becoming an expert at it.

Two days later, a Reaper invasion avoided, Kenson killed, a Batarian system and Mass relay destroyed, Shepard was trying to explain to Admiral Hackett the progression of events. She felt lucky to be alive, nearly indoctrinated then almost killed by the Reaper's subjects. Then at the end, she hated that feeling of jumping off a sinking object. She had nightmares like that. Hackett's tight jaw and lack of eye contact she hated more, she knew he was disappointed, and he was strongly hinting of serious trouble for her in the future for her actions. "Politics, Shepard. I'll do what I can for you, but we have to avoid war with the Batarians." He frowned at her, handing her datapad back.

She was speechless and disturbed by his reaction. In her mind, she'd saved the galaxy. It was no longer a matter of trying to convince him of the Reapers, he agreed with her, it was a matter of how the whole mission went down. He walked out of medbay and as the doors closed behind him, she threw the datapad down on the bed. She crossed her arms and thought about what she could have done differently. She felt fear in the pit of her stomach. Dr. Chakwas came back in and approached her.

"You're set to go. Has everything pretty much subsided at this point?" She studied her.

"Just a little tingling from the implants, like intermittent stinging. Nothing serious." She rubbed her arms.

"That's a normal reaction. If it gets worse, or continues let me know."

Shepard nodded and walked past her. Dr. Chakwas reached out and stopped her with her hand on her arm, "You did the right thing. We're all behind you," she said quietly.

Shepard gave her a small smile and walked out of medbay. A crowd of the crew stood outside the door, looking at her with concern. She gave them a bigger smile and a little wave, "Everything's fine, sorry to worry all of you," and briskly walked past them to the elevator. Her hand shook a bit as she reached her hand out to summon the elevator. "I'm safe for now, I guess." She thought. She had to focus on the remainder of the mission and put the ramifications of the destruction of the system out of her mind. She knew every system would have been destroyed if she hadn't done something. She couldn't worry about how it looked to the rest of the galaxy.

Back in her quarters, she took a long shower and tried to recoup. She'd been in medbay since she'd been back from the Bahak system, Dr. Chakwas hooking her up to medical equipment as Shepard tried frantically to type up her report for Hackett. She put some cargo pants and a tank top on and flopped on her couch, drying her long dark curls. After a little while, there was a ping at her door.

"Enter," she called out. The door opened and Kasumi stepped a few paces in.

"Shep? Is it okay if we come in to see you?" she peered around the corner.

Shepard leaned over and put the towel on her coffee table, "Yeah, it's okay."

Kasumi turned behind her and said something, then walked down the stairs. "Hey, we just wanted to check on how you were doing. We don't know a lot about the mission, but you were missing a few days, we were worried about you."

Shepard scooted over on the couch so she could sit next to her. "I appreciate you guys being concerned about me." She smiled, touched. Kasumi gave her an impromptu hug that made her realize Kasumi probably knew every last detail of the mission for her to have that level of worry for her. She looked over her shoulder up at Joker and Samara.

Joker looked down at his feet, "Not everyday Admiral Hackett comes on board. Everything okay?"

Shepard pulled back from Kasumi's hug and looked up at him, "Yeah, well, it will be. Just a debrief. Can't go into all the details."

"Glad to see you are recovering well, Shepard." Samara smiled.

Kasumi looked at her, "Hope we aren't barging in, we won't stay long."

Shepard started at the sound of Garrus' voice on the stairs, "I brought something for you to eat." He handed a box to Samara who gave it to Shepard.

"Um, thanks." She put it down on her coffee table.

They all stood around in uncomfortable silence for a few seconds.

"I appreciate you guys coming over. I'll be okay, really. Tomorrow the mission goes on."

Garrus shook his head no, "Dr. Chakwas said we were on shore leave another day while you recuperated."

Shepard glared at him.

He cleared his throat, "That's what she told us, anyway."

Kasumi stood up, "Let's go guys," she turned back to Shepard, "It's okay to take it easy you know, you've been through a lot." She walked towards the door.

"Yeah, try not to get indoctrinated again, please." Joker pointed at her.

She laughed, "Trust me, it's not on my agenda."

They filed out of her room, with Garrus hesitating at the door. He turned back as she was pulling the box of food towards her.

"Jane-" he started. Her look stopped him. He looked down at the floor, "Well, glad to have you back safe." He turned quickly and left.

She continued to glare in the direction he'd left and frowned. "Whatever." She opened the box and started taking food out, favorite things she liked to eat. "Wow," she said sarcastically, "he remembered what I like." She wanted to be petty and give the food back to him, but she didn't want to make the others uncomfortable, and she was hungry.

After a day of rest, she threw herself back into the mission, keeping conversation with Garrus short and avoiding him at all costs. He was not included on any missions, that wouldn't continue forever, she knew, but at least for now, until she could distance herself from her emotions and his.

Garrus sat in the mess hall, staring at his untouched plate. For the hundredth time he mentally rehearsed a conversation with Shepard, but rejected action on it. He sighed and got up, throwing his food down the chute. He stood by the cold storage drawers, finishing up his drink. Tali and Jack stood in line to get some food from the chef, talking about yesterday's mission. Tali noticed Garrus' countenance, and took her plate over to where he was standing.

"Oh, sorry," he moved out so she could grab a drink.

She looked at him pityingly, "So, no change?"

He shook his head no, "You were with her yesterday, anything?"

Tali sighed, "We were so focused on the mission for Jack, there wasn't really an opportunity. She seems fine with me, as she has been since I came back on the Normandy. I don't know, I want to talk to her about everything, but I guess I'm afraid I'll open up a whole bunch of problems and make things worse."

"Yeah, I know what you mean." He finished his drink. "I've really fucked everything up."

"I'm sorry Garrus, I feel responsible too."

"You shouldn't."

Tali shook her head, "I should have been honest with you when I came back on the ship. I saw how hurt you were from your surgery, and thought it would be better if I let you down easy, I'm an idiot, what can I say." She felt her face get hot with embarrassment.

"We've been over this Tali, I should have been honest with you about my feelings for Shepard. I think we both kind of sensed it. Things weren't the same when we came back on the Normandy, and we both knew it. It was just a matter of time."

"I know. And I'm glad we can move past it and be friends again. I just wish-"

He let out a grunt, "Me too. And, who knows, with time, maybe things will turn around with Shepard. For now, my plan is to keep a low profile and just keep trying. No matter how many daggers she shoots my way."

"Daggers?" Tali asked quizzically.

"It's an expression."

"Oh. Well, you know I'm here for you."

"Thanks, Tali. You're a great friend."

She gave him a sympathetic smile and walked to a table at the mess hall. Garrus got another drink and made his way to the armory bay.

Later Tali was mulling over talking to Shepard about her and Garrus, like she had so many times before but chickened out. She brought up her omni-tool, "Shepard, do you think you could come down to engineering for a moment."

 _"_ _Sure Tali, give me a minute."_

Tali felt a little jolt of nerves, but knew that things were at an impasse with Shepard and Garrus, and it was effecting them both too much, even the mission. Steeling her resolve, she worked on the efficiency quotients until she felt a hand on her shoulder.

"What's up, Tali?"

She turned to face Shepard. "I wanted to go over the new efficiency equations I've been implementing." She went on to show her, with Shepard's approval.

"Yeah, looks great. I mean, you don't really need my permission to make those types of changes on the ship. I trust you."

"Well, I also wanted to talk to you, if you have the time."

"Sure."

Tali gestured down the short hall to the drive core. She looked at Shepard and started wringing her hands, "Um, I don't know how to really bring this up, but I know the whole situation with Garrus and me has been pretty awkward." She watched as Shepard took in a deep breath and started turning pink.

"We've been good friends a long time, and you have welcomed me back with open arms. I appreciate that. I want you to know that I had no idea you still had such strong feelings for Garrus. I'm also not that good at reading other people's emotions. I'm so sorry that I hurt you-"

Shepard cut her off, "Tali, you didn't do anything wrong. I appreciate you clearing the air, but honestly, I don't blame you at all."

Relived, Tali continued, "When I came back on board, I wasn't honest with Garrus about how my feelings had changed, and he was different towards me as well."

"You guys seemed pretty much together," Shepard looked at her pointedly.

"Yes, it was more like going through the motions, as humans say. It was a mistake. Fortunately, Garrus has forgiven me."

Shepard huffed.

"Look, I know you are mad at him, we've talked about it. I wanted to talk to you mostly to tell you to please give him a chance."

Shepard folded her hands in front of her, "He sent you to do his dirty work, huh?"

Tali furrowed her brows under her mask, "What? No. I wanted to talk to you to help straighten things out. I think if I hadn't complicated things, you guys would be together right now, and both of you would be happy, instead of apart and miserable," Tali put her hand on her hip, "I mean, when you look at it, why hold onto all these hurt feelings and misunderstandings because of pride."

Shepard stared at her open-mouthed, "Are you serious? As soon as you dumped him, he was suddenly on my doorstep, wanted to get back with me, after he had refused to acknowledge my feelings, flaunting his relationship with you in my face, there's no way I'd let him hurt me again."

Tali shook her head, "You just proved my point Shepard."

Shepard turned and started walking away.

"Wait!" Tali called out, "you owe it to me, to all of us to hear me out."

Shepard paused and reluctantly turned and came back. She rolled her eyes, "Fine. Say what you have to say."

Tali was not used to seeing her this way. She took a deep breath, "After you died, we spent a lot of time together, and sort of clung to each other, our grief for you bonding us together. We had some good times, he's a great guy, but it wasn't meant to be. The truth is, I'm not you. You're the one he always wanted, and when he came back on the Normandy and you were alive, he kept our relationship going out of duty and loyalty. I let him out of fear and not wanting to hurt him. He's the first boyfriend I've ever had, I didn't really know how to end a relationship."

She reached out and touched Shepard's arm, "I know he was insensitive to you, he knows that now too, and he made a mistake, but don't continue that mistake by letting that keep you guys apart. He loves you, he always has. He never really talked about you when we were together, but in the last few weeks he's told me about everything he went through, and believe me, he adores you. Just – think about what I've said, okay?"

Shepard nodded.

Tali studied her face, trying to ascertain if she had broken through her pain with some logic.

Shepard gave Tali's arm a squeeze and turned , walking down the metal walkway around to the elevator. She felt relieved, and validated by Tali's acknowledgement of the situation. She had no intention of changing her decision to stay far away from Garrus. Riding back up to her room, she thought again about her anger and conversation with Garrus last week. This time his words that came back to her were about his pain in having to hide his feelings for her, how she was the 'love of his life,' and Tali being "plan B". She shook her head, "It doesn't change how much he hurt me." She breezed through her door and over to her computer, researching the next planet they were headed for. Thoughts kept creeping in, about what they told him about Turian loyalty. She mentally put herself in his place, being back on ship with her after putting himself in a relationship with her friend. "I was dead, after all." She said. She let out a frustrated grunt and put it out of her mind, focusing instead on the upcoming mission.


	12. Chapter 12

Joker threw his hand down on the table. "Straight flush." He grinned at the frustrated grunts of the rest of the crew.

"Damn," Kasumi threw her cards down. "I'm out."

"Me too," Garrus leaned back.

Joker gathered the chips up towards him, "Skill people, pure skill."

Thane shook his head, and started shuffling the cards.

Kasumi glanced up towards the bar and saw Shepard hunched over her drink. "Count me out, guys." She maneuvered around their legs and walked to the corner of the room. Sitting next to her, she poured herself a drink. "Hey Shep."

She nodded.

Kasumi pointed at her drink, "Don't you think you should be careful with that? Last time you nearly puked all over Thane."

Shepard shot her a look.

"Don't get mad at me, you'll thank me in the morning."

Shepard took a drink, "I don't really care."

Kasumi tapped on the table. "How's Tali doing?"

Shepard put down her glass, "I think she's handling things pretty well. Her people are so important to her, you know? It's like, they're all they've got."

"That was pretty crazy how they tried to convict her of treason."

Shepard took another drink and propped her chin on her hand, "Yeah. It was touch and go there for a bit, but I was able to convince them. What her father did, well." She took a deep breath, "Anyway, all resolved in the end."

"You did a good job."

"I always do," she said flatly.

Kasumi turned around to look around the room and leaned back against the bar. "So, what's the mission tomorrow?"

"Haven't decided yet. Maybe a day off, I'll probably have a shitty hangover."

Kasumi nodded. "Things any better with Garrus?"

Shepard slammed her glass down, "None of your fucking business."

Kasumi's eyes flashed with anger, "Jesus Christ, Shepard. What is your damn problem?"

She kept her eyes down.

"I'm your friend, remember? I'm worried about you. You're falling apart in front of our eyes-"

Shepard held her hand up, "The mission's on track."

"I'm not talking about the mission, which, by the way, isn't going as well as you'd like to think. You're the Commander, and how you act effects everyone on the ship. But besides that, you're barely holding together, and you know it." She leaned in towards her, "I don't know what's going to help you, but you need to do something. I'm here for you, all of us are. Please don't continue down this road. You've been through too much, you're too strong," she sighed, "We need you, and you need you. God, that sounded cheesy as hell. You know what I mean." She reached around and gave her a hug.

At the feel of Kasumi's arms softly squeezing her, Shepard felt her eyes start to well up, and fought to keep the tears from falling. Kasumi pulled away and went back to the poker game. Shepard thought about what she'd said. She was right, of course, she just didn't want to hear it. She felt trapped, as Commander, at an impasse with Garrus, and with the ramifications of destroying the Batarian system. She pushed the glass of Turian ale away from her and slowly got up from her stool. She walked towards the door, passing the group playing poker, the crew who had paired up and were in small groups in the shadows, talking cozily. Zaheed had Jack in a strong embrace, cradling her face in his hand. Shepard frowned, and left.

" _The first human Spectre, that's quite an accomplishment."_

 _Shepard grinned at Garrus, "It's an honor. I just hope I can live up to everyone's expectations."_

 _He chuckled, "You'll do great. They couldn't have made a better choice."_

 _She looked at him brightly, "I'll do everything I can so they don't regret their decision."_

She stood outside the elevator, leaning her hand against the wall. That Shepard seemed so far away. She felt jaded, defeated, and worse, getting to the point where she was starting to not care. She saw movement and Thane was standing next to her.

"Are you alright, Commander? Do you need me to see you to your quarters?"

She gave him a smile, "No thanks. I haven't had that much to drink. I wouldn't put you through that again anyway. If I felt that bad I'd go to medbay."

"And put Dr. Chakwas through it?"

She laughed, "Yeah, pretty much."

"Okay."

The door to Samara's quarters opened up again and Garrus walked out, over towards the both of them. Thane turned and slapped Garrus on the shoulder, "See you tomorrow?"

"Yes, 0600."

Shepard called the elevator down.

Thane turned to her and bowed slightly, "Goodnight." And he walked briskly to his quarters.

Too tired to put effort into anger, she turned to Garrus, "So, what are you guys doing that early in the morning?"

"We've been sparring in cargo bay. Jacob set up a makeshift gym, and I've been going down there to work out. Thane is showing me some drell techniques."

"Hm. That's nice of him."

Grateful she was being civil to him finally, Garrus continued, "Yes. It's a great stress reliever."

She winced, remembering he once told her Turians used either sparring or sex to relieve stress. She waited for the elevator that was not coming fast enough.

Garrus cleared his throat and turned towards her, "You'd be welcome to join us sometime, if you'd like."

She thought back to the time she tried to get his attention by sparring with Ashley, wearing her shortest gym shorts. "Thanks, but I don't think so."

He nodded and started walking away around the corner towards his quarters, "Goodnight, Shepard."

"Garrus," she called out after him.

He turned back, "Yes?"

"How close were you guys?"

"What?"

"You and Tali, how close were you?"

He was surprised, "Well, we had grown apart-"

She shook her head, "No, before you guys came back on the SR2. Before that."

"Um," he leaned against the wall. The elevator door opened, but she ignored it. "Well, we were in a relationship, as you know."

She looked at him intently, "Were you guys intimate?"

He put his hand over his eyes, "Spirits, Jane, why are you asking me that?"

She continued to stare at him, "I want to know."

He took in a deep breath and let it out sharply. He looked up at her and folded his arms across his chest. "Yes. But not after I came back on the SR2."

Shepard looked down at her feet and nodded slowly. She looked up at Garrus and nodded again, this time quickly, and got in the elevator and it closed behind her as Garrus pushed himself off the wall to catch a glimpse of her standing in the middle of the elevator, looking down at the floor. Garrus slammed his fist against the wall. "Dammit." He thought she might be coming around a little bit, then she blindsided him with that.

The next morning Garrus was working out with Thane in the cargo bay when Shepard called over his omni-tool, asking him to join her on the mission that day.

 _"_ _It's on the planet Lorek, we'll have to take the shuttle."_

"I'll be ready in half an hour." He shut it off and looked up at Thane. "We'll have to cut it short today, we can continue tomorrow morning?"

Thane grabbed a towel and wiped his face, "Of course." He pointed at Garrus' omni-tool, "Perhaps this means things are improving?"

"Hm? What do you mean?"

He wiped the back of his neck with the towel, "I've noticed you and the Commander haven't been getting along lately."

"Oh, really? Well, nothing really stays secret on this ship for long, I suppose." He started to turn to go.

"Have you tried talking to her?"

Garrus stopped and turned back around, "No offense, but it's between the two of us, and I really need to go get ready for the mission."

"She confided in me she is in love with you."

"What? When?" he had no idea they were that close.

"That night we were all out at the club, she became very inebriated and I had to help her back to her quarters. She saw you and Tali together at the club and was very upset by it. I apologize, I don't mean to betray her confidence, normally I wouldn't, but I thought you should know the depth of her attachment to you."

Garrus was suddenly very interested, "What did she say to you?"

Thane thought back to that night, her puking in the toilet, crying, he fought the inclination to become lost in the memory. He blinked hard and focused on Garrus in front of him, "She was crying, said she loved you and couldn't understand your rejection of her. She thought you hated her, that you and she were meant to be together. She said it was killing her."

Garrus looked down, his words, so matter-of-factly spoken stabbed his heart. He had tried to fool himself that while he knew she was unhappy about him being with Tali, that she hadn't been so emotionally devastated. Of course she must have been, otherwise where would all this anger be coming from now?

Garrus sighed heavily.

"Perhaps I shouldn't have said anything," Thane started.

"No, I - It needed to be said. Thank you."

He put his hands on his hips and looked down at the floor, going over the past few months in his mind. What a mess. He didn't know what to do about it anymore.

Thane interrupted, "You should probably go get ready for that mission."

"Yes, yes." He turned on his heels and walked briskly to the elevator.

Forty minutes later he met Shepard and Kasumi inside the shuttle, still finishing the clamps on his armor.

"About time, Vakarian," Shepard said, smiling.

"I wouldn't stand you up," he quipped, and as soon as he said it, he regretted it. The door closed behind him and the shuttle started to take off towards the planet.

"Hopefully this won't take very long," Kasumi said, "I'm on an interesting chapter in my book, I can't wait to finish it."

Shepard laughed, and Kasumi grinned back at Garrus. Shepard updated them on the mission to rescue a Cerberus operative on the Eclipse base. They landed shortly and made their way out of the shuttle on the planet.

Less than an hour later, they were back on board. It had been successful, in getting the data, anyway. The sight of the Cerberus officer's mutilated body had been disturbing, and they were riding back to the Normandy in silence. The shuttle docked on the Normandy, and they shifted with the sudden stop of momentum. Shepard jumped up and turned for the door. Garrus walked up behind her. He noticed for the first time she had damage to her armor on her arm. He bent down to get a better look and saw blood dripping around it. "You're hurt," he said. She looked down at herself, trying to see what he was talking about. He turned and noticed a small puddle of blood on the floor where she had been sitting.

"You're bleeding heavily," he reached out and held her arm up where he could see it. She promptly yanked it away.

"Don't touch me!" her voice crackled with anger.

Garrus pressed his lips tightly together and held his hands up away from her, letting her go. The door to the shuttle was open by now, and he walked around her and out cargo bay.

Shepard pulled her arm up where she could see it and dug her finger in the hole. Blood pressed out. "It's not that bad," she muttered. She looked up at Kasumi, who had her arms crossed, frowning.

"You're being a real bitch," she said.

Shepard looked at her in shock, "What did you say?"

"You heard me. How long are you going to keep this up? He apologized to you, he's trying to move on and make things right. But you insist on keeping a grudge and taking perverse pleasure in making him 'pay'. I'm starting to wonder if you ever really loved him at all." She grabbed some medigel from the wall emergency kit and slapped it on Shepard's wound. "You should have doctor Chakwas look at that." She picked up her pistol and walked out the shuttle. She turned back to Shepard, "You know, Cerberus is really changing you."

Shepard snapped her head up, "That's a low blow."

"Is it?" Kasumi cocked her head to the side and turned and walked to the elevators.


	13. Chapter 13

Shepard fumed as Dr. Chakwas healed the wound on her arm. "That should do it. Give it a day or so, and it will be good as new."

"Thanks, doctor," she mumbled. She jumped off the table and examined the bandage she put on her. She left medbay and made her way to the cockpit.

Joker half turned to see her walking up next to him, "Commander, how's it going?"

She sat down next to Joker's chair, "Alright, I guess. How are things going here?"

"Okay for now. EDI's coming around, or I'm just getting used to her, not sure which." He looked over at her and grinned.

Shepard nodded. "Um, do you have a minute?"

"Sure." He pushed a few buttons. "Cerberus prying ears and eyes off. What's going on?"

Shepard stared across at the stars shooting by the windows, "Well, I suppose you know about what's been going on with me and Garrus. I mean, there aren't many secrets on the ship, and I know you are plugged into the vid feed."

He nodded, "I know enough."

"Do you think I'm being too harsh? I mean, I don't think so."

"Well, I suppose that depends on what you want to happen, doesn't it?"

She shifted her weight on the railing, "I just want him to leave me alone."

"Oh, well that's easy, just tell him to fuck off. I mean, bring him in your office and tell him that outside the mission, there's to be no contact."

She frowned, "That's a bit extreme, don't you think?"

"Not really. He's a pro, he'll respect that. At least he'll know where he stands. You could always send him off the ship as well."

She balked, "I couldn't do that."

He looked at her, "Why not? How many missions are you really taking him on anyway? You've still got a strong team. He's probably already packed and ready to go"

She hadn't considered that, "You really think so? I mean, I never said he has to leave."

"You don't have to. He can leave whenever he wants. He doesn't work for the Illusive man."

"Yeah, that's true."

They sat for a few minutes, the soft beeping sounds from Joker's ship maneuvers breaking the silence. Finally Shepard stood up and patted Joker on the shoulder, walking down towards the elevators. She made her way to the armory bay.

The doors opened and Garrus turned slightly seeing her walk in, then he quickly turned his attention back to the panel.

"How's your arm?" he asked.

"I'll live. Dr. Chakwas said it should be fine."

He nodded and continued to work on his panel.

"I wanted to apologize, for back in the shuttle. It was – unprofessional of me. I know you were just trying to help." She waited, but Garrus was silent. She let out a small sigh and turned for the door.

His voice stopped her.

"Jane – I need to say something."

She turned, swallowing hard, "Um, okay."

He turned his panel off and faced her. "I'm sorry for hurting you. I know I explained it to you before, but that was in the heat of anger. I never meant for it to look like you were my back-up plan. It was difficult for me to put my feelings aside for you when I came back on board." He started to pace around the room, "I handled it poorly. I know I should have talked to you, instead of pretending like we never happened. I guess I was afraid that if I broached that subject, it would open the flood of feelings and I would never be able to go back. I was still in a relationship with Tali at that point, and had to honor that. We ended up not working out, but she is a good person, and was there for me. We shared some very important times together."

Shepard stared at the floor.

"I understand."

Garrus was relieved, "Good, I've hated having such a separation between us." He eyed her critically, waiting for her next response.

"You're a great addition to the team, I'd hate to have you feel like you needed to leave the Normandy."

He raised his eyebrow plates in surprise. That thought had never occurred to him. "No, no, not at all." He frowned, "Were you thinking I should-"

She snapped her head up, "No, I wanted to make sure you didn't think that's where I was going."

He nodded, "Oh, okay." He continued to wait. He could see her struggling with her thoughts, her emotions.

"I've really missed you." He took a step towards her. His ache at having her so close to him all these months, but having to keep his distance was suddenly palpable. He reached out and put his hand on her shoulder.

She looked up at him slowly. "Hmm?"

He gave her a slight squeeze and took a step close to her. He wanted to tell her how much he loved her, wanted to make her his mate, could they go out on a date tonight, everything. Another chance.

He smiled, looking down at the face he cherished so much, wanting to run his talons through her hair, feel her naked skin against him, finally be able to have her in his arms and be intimate with her for the first time.

He spoke lovingly, "You're so beautiful."

Her eyes widened, "What? I can't," she backed away a few feet. "I can't." she said firmly.

Garrus reached out for his panel for support, feeling a sudden vertigo.

She put her hands on her hips and looked at him squarely. "I'm sorry."

"Yes." His voice becoming quiet as his throat went dry, "I think I will forever be."

She furrowed her brow and turned and left. Garrus turned back to his panel, propping himself up on his extended arms. He gasped for breath, as suddenly the air seemed to have gone out of the room and he couldn't get any.

Shepard walked shakily through the mess hall. She knew she couldn't make it back to her quarters in time. Seeing Dr. Chakwas eating at a table in the mess, she focused on the medbay door and tried to act casual waiting for it to open. As the doors wooshed shut behind her, she pushed the button to darken the glass partition to the mess hall and plopped down in a chair, her hand to her forehead.

Her mind was reeling. It was surreal. He was telling her everything she wanted to hear, but she didn't want to hear it. Why? She propped her head on her hand and looked absently at the medical equipment on the table. Neatly lined up, cleaned and gleaming. Waiting for the next patient.

She closed her eyes and re-played his speech to her. She felt, she didn't know what she felt. She didn't feel anger towards him anymore. She searched herself, but all she really felt was numb.

The door suddenly opened and she heard Dr. Chakwas' voice, "Commander, did you need me? I saw you come in." She started for the handwashing station.

She shook her head, "No Dr. I'm fine. I just wanted a quiet place to stop and collect my thoughts for a moment."

Dr. Chakwas stopped and turned the water off the sink, "Oh, I see. Are you sure?"

She nodded, "Yes, please don't let me stop you from your lunch."

She walked towards the door, perplexed, but not wanting to pry. "Alright. Take as much time as you need."

Shepard turned towards her and gave her a smile, "Thanks for checking on me though."

She nodded and left.

Shepard leaned her elbows on the counter and rubbed her closed fingers up and down across her face. "God damn." Her life was fragmenting. She thought back to what Kasumi had told her that night, that she was falling apart before their eyes. "She's right." She let out a long sigh.

She sat for ten minutes more, doing little more than replaying the scene before in her mind. She got up and left medbay for the elevators. Miranda caught her around the corner, "Commander, Dr. Chakwas informed me you are on medical leave for 24 hours."

"What? Oh, yeah," she looked instinctively down at her arm.

"I recommend shore leave until 0600 tomorrow."

She nodded and the elevator door opened.

"Uh, do you want me to make an announcement?" she offered.

Shepard looked at her blankly. "Yes, an announcement."

Miranda squinted at her, "Are you alright, Shepard?"

"Yes, fine. I'm fine." She pressed the panel and the door closed.

Shepard stayed in her room working on reports the rest of the day. No one called or came by, which was unusual. "I guess I've been successful in driving everyone away," she said ruefully. Her mind kept wandering back to Garrus, but she purposefully gave up on trying to decipher her emotions and motivations. Fatigued from the past months and the strain of the mission, she was at her mental max capacity. At the end of the night she started thinking about the next day. Regardless of what was happening, she was the Commander of this mission, of the ship, and she couldn't let everything run off the rails just because she was. She took her datapad and looked through her journal, detailing the missions on hold.

"Zaheed." She never followed up on the mission Cerberus had promised him as a part of the deal for him coming aboard. "Damn. That's got to be next priority." Searching her data, the information was sketchy. She glanced at her omni-tool – 20:14. "EDI, where is Zaheed?"

 _"_ _He is in his quarters."_

She briskly went to her elevator and down towards his quarters. The ship was quiet – most of the crew out at the Citadel where they were docked, likely. They took full advantage of a chance to get off the ship and have a good time. His door opened and she entered, "We're setting a course-"

She stopped short, stunned. It was a flash of tattoos, naked skin and groans. Zaheed had Jack pinned down face first on his table. Her fingers were splayed out across the glass for support as Zaheed held her hip against him with one hand as he relentlessly rammed into her. Jack called out with each thrust, her eyes shut tightly, her mouth parted in pleasure.

Shepard came to her senses and retreated quickly. Neither of them saw her, so intense was their focus. "Jesus Christ," she muttered as she pressed the elevator panel. "Must knock first next time." She shook her head. She couldn't get the image out of her mind. She knew they had a bit of a fling a while back, but had no idea it was still going on. Back in the elevator again, she flicked her omni-tool on, "EDI, why didn't you warn me about going in Zaheed's quarters?"

 _"_ _You didn't ask."_

She grunted in frustration, "In the future, if any of my crew are in a compromising situation, please let me know."

 _"_ _Understood, Commander. I must then inform you that Kasumi Goto and Jacob Taylor are kissing in his quarters, Thane Krios and Crewman Michael Santos are engaged in intimate activity in Thane's quarters, and Miranda Lawson is masturbating currently while watching the vid Vaenia. I have limited information on the crew who are on shore leave, however I can attempt to compile-"_

Shocked, Shepard interrupted, "No, EDI stop, stop! All I meant was if I was going into one of the crew's quarters to just warn me to page them first before I walked in on something. I don't want updates reports of who the crew is fucking, damn!" she crossed her arms and waited until the doors opened to the foyer to her quarters.

"Thane and Santos from engineering? Really? Huh." She opened her doors. "And Kasumi with Jacob finally, good for her." It was tempting to inquire EDI about more. She brought up her omni-tool, "EDI, please keep personal intimate information about the crew confidential, do not give that information out to anyone unless it is of immediate danger to the mission, understood?"

 _"_ _Yes Commander."_


	14. Chapter 14

The following morning Shepard was up early, heading down to the mess hall. She wanted to get the mission started, make time for a second mission that afternoon, since they were behind schedule. The night crew was scattered around the mess, coming in after their shift and eating before they turned in. Shepard nodded to them and got something out of the cold storage and sat down and ate. She ate quietly, her mind wandering back to the scene she'd stumbled on in Zaheed's quarters last night. He was surprisingly muscular, for being an older guy. She could see what Jack saw in him. He'd been really pummeling her, too. The table had shaken violently with each slam of his pelvis against hers. She smiled to herself and looked down at her plate. She messaged Zaheed about the mission, she'd already let Joker know to set a course and notified Miranda.

She absently looked towards Garrus' quarters, straight ahead down the hall. She put those thoughts deliberately out of her mind. She chewed on the last few bites of food, realizing for the first time she'd gotten a dextro meal. She must have done that subconsciously. She usually only ate those with Garrus. She finished off her water and threw the trash down the chute.

Wiping the crumbs off her hands, she headed to Miranda's quarters to plan the day's mission.

"Heading to Zorya, I see." Miranda scrolled down the datapad.

"Yes, I had forgotten about it, and to his credit, he never asked me about it."

"Admirable, however needs to be addressed."

"I agree, that's why I'm making it today's first priority. We'll be close to Illium, so afterwards I can tie up a few loose ends there, as well." she slouched back in her chair, across from Miranda's neat desk.

"I have a small amount of new information on the planet and the Eldfell-Ashland refinery, sending it to you now to review."

"Thanks, Miranda."

"Who are you taking with you?"

"I was thinking Grunt. Good to have extra muscle on a Blue Suns base."

"I agree."

Shepard brought up her omni-tool, "Grunt, gear up and get ready for the mission today, I'll send you the particulars. Grunt?" No answer. She tried a tonal ping. No response.

"EDI, is Grunt in his quarters?"

 _"_ _Yes, and he is not engaged in any sexual activity."_

Miranda's eyes flashed wide with surprise and she looked at Shepard.

Shepard shot up ramrod straight in her chair speaking into her omni-tool, "EDI, you don't need to report or give a negative report on the crew's personal relationships, understood!"

 _"_ _Yes, Commander."_

Miranda stared at Shepard's beet red face. "What was that about?"

Shepard shook her head with embarrassment and frustration, "A misunderstanding and a long story. It's hard to explain discretion and social norms to an AI."

"Indeed," Miranda eyed her suspiciously.

Shepard wished she would drop it, "I assure you, it sounds worse than it is."

"I'll take your word at that, Shepard."

Shepard cleared her throat, "I'll go brief Grunt on today's mission."

She left her office and made a mental note to explain more explicitly to EDI. She entered Grunt's quarters, seeing him hunched over his table, his back to her, the light down in front of him. "Didn't you hear me on your omni-tool?" she demanded.

"Shepard!" he turned, startled. He had a magnifying visor on and a small tool in his hand.

She walked up to his side, "I need you for the mission today," she looked down at what he was working on. There were different figures, Turian, Krogan, human, soldiers. "What is all that?" she pointed.

He pushed the visor up off his face, "It's my hobby. I got some more yesterday on the Citadel. I like to, paint them and display them." He pointed to a small shelf she'd not seen before up on the wall. She walked over and peered up at it. There was a little tableau of similar figures fighting. _Oh my god, how cute._ "Hmm. Very cool." She turned back to where he was still sitting and took a closer look at the table. He had various limbs taken off and was painting blood on them. "I think that's a great hobby."

"I know it's not typically Krogan, but I'm not a typical Krogan. It helps me to focus and silence the tank voice in my head."

She nodded, her lips pursed. "Sure. Whatever you like to do, Grunt. I'll keep it between us."

His brows drew together, "I don't care who knows. I'll show them all myself. If they have a comment to make about it, they can do it to my face, if they dare." He put the caps on the paint and started cleaning up his table. "When do you need me to be ready?"

"In 45 minutes by the shuttle."

"I'll be ready."

"I can send you information on the mission." She brought up her omni-tool.

"Killing bad guys, basically?"

"Well, yes."

He held up his hand, "I got it. All I need to know."

She nodded and turned and walked out. "I really need to get to know my crew a bit better. I've been so caught up in myself." She couldn't help but giggle a bit at the sight of those big Krogan hands with those little soldier figurines. He actually did a great job, the detail was incredible. "Hm. Maybe I should take up a hobby, destress some." She walked down to the cargo bay, getting her armor out and readied. As a team they usually helped each other out, it was difficult getting it on by yourself. "Oh shit," she'd forgotten about the hole in her arm piece, she'd have to switch it out. She pulled both greaves up and put them on the ground, searching through the locker for the upper arm pieces. Examining them both, she turned them back and forth. She couldn't see the damage. She found the left one and looked at it closely. There was an expertly made patch. A faint line was visible, only with close inspection. She was interrupted by Zaheed, walking up with Jack.

"I appreciate you doing this Shepard," He winked at her.

Jack went to her armory locker, "Yeah, thanks."

"Grunt's coming on the mission today, Jack."

Jack opened her locker and started taking her equipment out. "I talked to Grunt. He agreed to let me go instead. He's working on something anyway."

Shepard could feel her anger rising, "I decide who goes on the mission."

Jack continued to get dressed as Zaheed picked his weapons, out of earshot. "Look, where he goes, I go. I'm not going to let him do this by himself, okay? If you want to push the issue and insist on having Grunt, I can't stop you, but I can tell you he'll do better with me fighting with him."

Shepard huffed, "Don't you think that's a conflict of interest? I mean, how can you fight objectively?"

Jack laughed loudly, "What a hypocrite! I have one word for you, Commander. Garrus."

Shepard pressed her lips together tight. "Fine. You're on the mission."

"Glad you see things my way. If you can do it, I can do it too." She slammed her locker shut and grinned. "Now, do you need some help with that armor?"

Shepard reluctantly agreed, as Jack helped her get it on and fasten the clasps. She never thought much about how the other crew would interpret her and Garrus on missions together. _I've been pretty blind to how alert the crew is._

As she held her arms out for Jack to get the remaining armor on, her attention was drawn to Thane coming around from the elevator. He was closely followed by Santos, who spoke a few words to him, before walking towards the shuttle. _Wow, I have been really blind,_ she thought. Garrus came around the corner behind them, joining Thane on the other side of the vast room, where the gym had been set up.

"Just giving the shuttle a quick check before we go," Santos said, nodding to the group as he got in.

"There, all set," Jack gave her a hard slap on the back. She quickly turned to Zaheed who gave her a magnanimous smile.

"Dammit, why can't that be me," Shepard mumbled to herself. _It could be you,_ she answered herself quickly. She glanced up at Garrus and Thane, sparring in the corner. In their workout clothes, she could see Garrus had gotten in top shape. She sighed, sadly to herself. "What am I doing?" She picked up her weapons and started loading gear into the shuttle.

"Ready?" she looked around. Zaheed and Jack nodded. She squeezed up to the cockpit. "We're ready," she told him.

Santos nodded, "Just a sec," He slid past her and into the doorway. She brought up her omni-tool and messaged Miranda they were leaving. She glanced up to see Santos walking towards them giving a little wave trying to get Thane's attention. Thane and Garrus were sparring, going at it pretty hard. Garrus stopped and released his grip on Thane, who stood up and waved back at Santos. "Be safe," he heard him call out. Santos turned and jogged briskly back to the shuttle. He grabbed onto the door frame of the shuttle and grinned, "Let's go." She took the door to close it, and looked to see if Garrus was watching her. He was not, taking Thane down in a violent hold. "Geez," she said. She flashed back to when he told her sparring was a way for Turians to work off stress, "Oh, that's right."

"Ready to depart, Commander." Santos called out.

She snapped out of her thoughts and slammed the door shut. She sat on the bench across from Jack and Zaheed. They sat quietly. You would never know they were together, all business. She leant her head against the metal wall of the shuttle and looked towards the cockpit. Come to think of it, she'd seen Santos talk to Thane before getting on the shuttle pretty regularly, she never really gave too much attention to most of her crew. She just nodded to them, thanked them for their help or gave them direction, but focused most of her time and attention on herself, and her misery of one sort or another.

 _Jesus Christ, I need to change._ She was in charge of her own destiny, who she was, and she had lost sight of the strong character she used to hold dear. If she lost that, she'd lose everything, and lately she pretty much had. She continued to think with a renewed clarity on the ride to Zorya.

A few hours later they were back on the shuttle, Zaheed glaring at Shepard. As soon as they docked, he was at the door, his knuckles white from his clutch on his shotgun. He opened the door and stormed out. Shepard started to go after him but Jack stopped her. "Let him go. I'll talk to him." She started unclasping Shepard's armor.

"I considered sacrificing those workers to get Santiago. He's too dangerous to let escape." She said.

Jack shook her head, "You made the right choice, and he does know it. That what makes him madder than anything, I think. He doesn't like letting his anger overtake him like that either. It's been a long time since that happened."

Shepard looked up at her with a new appreciation.

Jack chuckled, "Look, you taught me that on Pragia. You can't let your anger control you like that, then you are letting them win, giving them the power."

Shepard nodded, "True."

They put the equipment back on their lockers. Jack stood up and stretched, "I'll go talk to him now. He's probably in our quarters."

"You guys rooming together now?"

She laughed, "Oh, like you don't already know." Seeing Shepard's confused face, she continued, "Got yourself an eyeful of that last night."

Shepard put her hand over her face and closed her eyes, "Shit."

Jack laughed again, "I saw you, I was just too into it to care about stopping." She slapped Shepard on the back, "Don't worry, Zaheed didn't see you there. He was too busy." She grinned.

"I am so sorry," Shepard started.

"Ah, no sweat. I'm sure it's nothing you haven't seen before. Well, he's pretty awesome, doubt you've seen anything like him before," she laughed, seeing Shepard getting more pink.

"Just so long as you don't get any ideas. He's mine, and nothing's going to change that." She turned and walked away.

"I am fucked up," Shepard said to herself. She brought up her omni-tool, "EDI, where is Garrus?"

 _"_ _Garrus Vakarian is in medbay."_

She started walking towards the elevator, "Is he okay?" she inquired.

 _"_ _He has been injured, the doctor is attending to him."_

"What!" she started running, "What happened? Is he stable?"

 _"_ _I have no further information, Commander_."

Shepard pressed the panel repeatedly for the elevator that had already taken Jack up. "Dammit!"

Finally the elevator doors opened and she jumped inside, pressing the panel. "Come on, come on, hurry up!" She paced around as it slowly went up, picturing all the potential dangers there were on the ship. "He'd better be okay."

 _Garrus lay still, blue blood pooling around his body. "Garrus, no," she reached her hand down to his face. As soon as she touched it, his eyes flew open, he gasped for air, grabbing his rifle. "Garrus!" thank god, he was alive. But his eyes were glassy, his breathing gurgling on his own blood._

The doors opened and she came back to the present, running out the door, pushing aside a crew member in her way. She couldn't get to the medbay door fast enough, but was also dreading what she would find. The doors wooshed open and she flew inside. Dr. Chakwas obscured her view, but Garrus was lying on the examination bed, Thane kneeling on it over him, holding his arm up.

"Okay, I'll hold him and try again, pull!"

Shepard looked around at all their faces, trying to get a read on the situation. They were oblivious to her presence. She walked up slowly, it looked bad, Garrus was grimacing in pain. Thane was holding him down with his knee as he pulled on his arm. Dr. Chakwas attempted to hold him down by his chest.

Shepard opened her mouth to ask, when she heard a loud _crack_ , and Garrus cried out. The room got darker, sounds muffled, and she fell to the floor.

"I think that did it." Dr. Chakwas, breathing heavily, leaned back. Garrus turned and saw Shepard in a crumpled heap on the floor. "Shepard!"

They all turned to look down at her. "Oh my god," Dr. Chakwas ran over.

Thane loosened his grip on Garrus' arm and stepped off the table as Garrus sat up, "Is she okay? What's wrong?" he was frantic.

Dr. Chakwas grabbed a pillow and put it under her feet to elevate them. "She fainted."

"She what?" Garrus asked.

Dr. Chakwas turned to face them, "I'll get something to wake her up, but her vitals are fine. She must have come in while we were trying to fix your shoulder." She turned and looked back at her, "The sight of it must have disturbed her." She got up off her knees and stopped them, "Don't move her, she'll be okay in a minute." She went to her cabinet and rummaged around as Garrus hopped off the table and knelt down next to her.

"Are you sure that's all there is? Are her implants okay? She just came back from a mission, maybe something went wrong."

Dr. Chakwas knelt down next to her and waved a vial under her nose. Shepard grimaced and turned her head as her eyes fluttered open. "What, what's going on?" She looked up and saw Dr. Chakwas peering down at her.

"Don't try to get up yet. It looks like you fainted. Did anything happen on the mission?"

She shook her head no. "Fainted?" she put her hand to her head. A voice to her left caught her attention.

"Here," Garrus pat her forehead with a wet washcloth.

"Garrus," she reached a hand up. The scene she'd witnessed before came back in a flash, "Garrus! You, you're hurt!"

He grabbed her hand and stopped her from sitting up, "I'm fine, I dislocated my shoulder when we were sparring. Thane was helping the doctor put it back in place, that's all." He moved his arm back and forth, "All better, see?" he winced.

She looked at him with concern, "Are you sure?"

"Yes," he smiled, "Just a little sore. But that's all, everything's okay."

"Oh, thank god. When I heard you were in medbay, I was afraid."

He held her hand and reassured her, "I'm fine. Just fine." He put her hand back down.

"Let's see if we can get you up." Dr. Chakwas gently reached down to her shoulders and she and Garrus helped her sit up. "Okay so far?"

"Yes, yes, this is all so silly, really." Shepard stood up with their help and leaned against the examination bed. Garrus hurriedly went in the back and brought her a glass of water. She took it and drank, then looked up at him and gave him a beautific smile.

Dr. Chakwas turned her attention to Garrus, "Come over here so I can scan your shoulder and make sure we were totally successful."

He was hesitant. "You feel steady?"

Shepard nodded.

He went with Dr. Chakwas to the scanning equipment as Thane walked over to talk to Shepard.

"I do not understand. You have seen much worse on the battlefield, experienced much worse. Why would you faint?" he studied her, "Are you pregnant?"

She spit her water out in a loud spray, "No! God, no!" she laughed and shook her head. "It was just seeing him hurt like that, I couldn't stand it, it made me think about that day on Omega when he nearly died. I guess that, and maybe a culmination of stress lately. My imagination made it a lot worse."

"I see," he smiled. "I think I'll go, you are in capable hands."

Garrus walked up in front of her, "Doctor confirmed it, I'm fine. A little sore, but nothing serious."

"Now it's your turn," Dr. Chakwas motioned to the table.

Shepard shook her head no, "I'm good."

"Great, sit down and I'll confirm that."

Shepard started to argue, but she saw the look of concern on Garrus' face, so she relented. A quick check of her implants and blood analysis, and the Doctor declared her fit for duty.

"I'm sorry to worry you guys, I shouldn't have barged in medbay like that. I just had to make sure you were okay."

Garrus gave her a weak smile, "Thanks."

Dr. Chakwas looked between the two of them. "Well, now that everyone is cured, why don't you get out of my medbay so I can clean up and the two of you can go clean up. No offense, but you're both pretty grimy and sweaty."

"If you minded grimy and sweaty, you'd be working in a pretty outpatient clinic on the Citadel right now." Shepard accused her.

Dr. Chakwas laughed, "You know me well Shepard."

Shepard laughed and turned back to Garrus who was at her side, "Do you need me to hold on to you?" he asked.

"Yes, thanks." She took his arm. They walked out of medbay and to the mess hall.

"I'll walk you to your quarters."

"So," she asked as they went in the elevator, "How did you dislocate your shoulder exactly?"

"I had him in a strong hold, a Turian move, and in his attempt to get loose, he pushed me back and yanked on my arm."

"Damn, really?"

"No, actually I was lunging at him, and I slipped and cracked it against the bench."

She laughed.

He smiled, it had been a very long time since he'd made her laugh. They stood in her foyer and she pressed the panel to open her door.

"I'll let you go."

"Oh," she looked upset, "Yeah, I guess, I have to get cleaned up."

"Me too. See you later."

"Wait – um, do you think you could come by later, I mean, any time, when you have some free time, like today?" she reached out for his arm.

"I, don't understand, Jane."

She sighed, "I've been an idiot. I want to apologize to you and hope we can talk and I'm sorry."

He tilted his head to the side and squinted at her, "Did you hit your head when you fainted?"

She let out a small laugh, "No, I actually came to my senses before that. Would you please come over?"

"Of course, Jane. I'll be right back after I take a shower."

She looked visibly relieved. "Great. I'll see you in a little bit. Thank you, Garrus, for giving me a chance." She turned and went in her quarters as a puzzled Garrus went in the elevator.

He shook his head, trying to figure out what this would be all about. "At any rate, she's being positive, so that's a good thing."


End file.
